Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," released October 27th and featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. I'm not sure if you knew this, but it appears the national economy is in a bit of snit right now. I'm not totally clear on what the exact problem is, except that it would appear a generous portion of my life savings were wiped out, and that there's no clear solution to the problem, and that no one knows just how bad it will get, or how long a recovery will take, and that we may all soon need to eat raw sewage and form large huddles to keep warm.In times such as these, it's important to keep a level head and remain focused on what is absolutely the most important thing to do in these circumstances: finding someone to get really fucking pissed at. I lack the basic intelligence to come up with a constructive reaction and solution to these problems, so I think it's best for me to lash out at anyone and everyone in my path, regardless of culpability. After all, I don't know much about economics, but I do know that none of this shit is MY FUCKING FAULT. I was just going about my business, drinking lean like a good citizen. I never bought a place. I rented. So fuck you, you house-buying fuckfaces. "Oh, honey! Look at these granite countertops! I'm so glad we took out that 1,000-year mortgage!" Die. I also never worked at a Wall Street firm and sold consolidated debt packages. So again, fuck those people in the ass with an over-sized hairbrush. And, as always, fuck Congress. Hard. Right in the Barney Frankhole. I'd also like to use this economic crisis to make convenient scapegoats out of large groups of people who clearly had nothing to do with perpetuating this crisis, but whom I've long despised anyway. Like French immigrants. God, I fucking hate those people. At least Mexican immigrants are PRODUCTIVE. Ever see a French immigrant doing useful landscaping work? No. STOP SUCKING ON THE ENGORGED TEAT OF MY BELOVED COUNTRY, YOU BAGUETTE-EATING ASSHOLES. I'm going to meet up at the beer hall with my friends, form a new political party rooted in fear and intolerance, and discuss a "solution" for what to do about them. Rolf will be in charge of the train schedule. I'd also like to blame the group Fall Out Boy. Because they suck and I hope they die in a tour bus accident. And I'd like to blame Sarah Palin. Because she's a fucking moosetard and I hope she gets trapped under an ice floe. In addition to blaming others for the downfall of the country, there's one other thing that can help us all feel better, and that is reveling in the financial misfortune of others. Sure, I'm going broke. But at least some cocky trader fuckfaces are getting dumped by their shallow, horrible trophy fiancees. That makes me feel better. I'm also heartened to know that, now that the economy is the way it is, the party is fucking over for publicly financed stadiums. By my count, there are five NFL franchises currently trying to get new stadiums for themselves: the Saints, Bills, 49ers, Chargers, and Vikings. You could maybe add the Jags, Redskins, Rams, and Raiders to this list. But the first five teams are the ones really desperate for new, high-revenue digs. And guess what, Mr. Spanos, and Mr. Wilf, and Ms. York, and Mr. Wilson, and Mr. Rosenbloom? YOU AREN'T GETTING SHIT. If you didn't get your new stadium in before this shitstorm, like the Colts and New York teams did, guess what? YOU ARE FUCKED. No stadium for you, gentlemen. Enjoy the urinal cake-scented municipal shitholes your teams currently reside in, because you are there FOREVER now. No one's gonna be dumb enough to plunk down public money for a $1.5 billion stadium/mall/amusement park/convention center/promenade/banquet hall/hurricane shelter anymore. Unless it's a town presided over by former DC mayor Anthony Williams. People have long despised the idea of public financing for new stadiums. But, despite that general sentiment, pro sports owners have always managed to sucker some idiot mayor or county commissioner somewhere to either build them a new Ball Mahal, or to help them gain leverage against other local officials. But those days were all but instantly ended by the events of the past few weeks. There will be no more sweetheart deals. There will be no more looming threats of moving a team as a way for owners to get what they want. What's that? You're gonna move the team to LA? Sure you are, asshole. I'm sure California officials, now in need of a $6 billion federal loan, will help you out. Good luck with that. If there's any good to come out of this complete disaster of an economy, it's that the all the carping of supposedly needy pro sports owners will either go away, or be met with pure, brutal hostility. "We can't compete at this revenue level." "We reserve the right to explore our options." Yeah? WELL FUCK YOU, AL DAVIS. I can't afford to go to a movie, so fuck your gay stadium. No more leverage for you. If you want a new stadium, you're gonna have to pony up for the whole fucking thing yourself. Maybe you can take out a loan. I hear real estate loans are real easy to come by lately. Eat shit and fucking die. So say goodbye the era of massive stadium boondoggles. Let's all celebrate with a tall glass of toilet wine. I only wish the market had crashed before Clay Bennett had acquired the Sonics. Buttfucker. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Jaguars at Broncos: Tony Scheffler is the third highest scoring tight end in fantasy football, which only underscores an annoying subplot to this fantasy season: The tight end crop is fucking terrible. If you don't have Witten, Gates or Cooley on your squad, your tight end position is bottomless void of suck. The seventh best tight end in fantasy scoring right now is Visanthe Shiancoe. And take it from a Vikings fan, that guy is the fucking worst tight end in the history of modern civilization. A few years back, the position was thriving with Gates, Gonzo, Heap, and countless others. Now it's a fucking millstone on every team out there. STOP SUCKING, YOU STUPID TIGHT ENDS. Especially you, Winslow. Patriots at Chargers Ravens at Colts
Four Throwgasms Cowboys at Cardinals: You've seen the report already that Kurt Warner texted his wife to say he was retiring after throwing the pass that led to Anquan Boldin's head injury. What you didn't hear about was Brenda Warner's text message reply to her husband. Fear not, for I have it right here: You're a football player. You are a football player and you have two, three years left in you! There is no big picture! You are the goddamn quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals! You are a legend and you're talking about quitting?! You know what that means to the kids! To me! I will NOT hear this bullshit from you! And when Kurt got home that night, Brenda slapped the shit out of him.
Three Throwgasms Bears at Falcons: In case you missed it, Lovie Smith made easily the dumbest challenge I've ever seen, or ever will see, in last week's game against the Lions. The challenge occurred when Marty Booker made an excellent one-handed grab down the sideline. The pass was ruled incomplete. But pass interference was also called on the play, so the Bears would have gotten the yardage regardless of the ruling. Yet Smith STILL threw a challenge flag, risking the loss of a timeout and forfeiting one of his challenges had he needed one later in the game. Now, the Bears didn't end up needing an extra challenge, and they beat the Lions handily. But still, that is one of the dumbest fucking things I have ever seen. "Oooh! Oooh! Let me challenge this call for posterity, so Marty Booker will be happy!" What an idiot. Dolphins at Texans: WILDCAT! I love any team that uses gadget plays and formations to spice up an otherwise dull offense. I'm pretty sure Webster Slaughter used to throw 50% of the Brown's passes back in the late 80's. God bless you, Tony Sparano, for making your kinda shitty team not excruciating to watch. TAKE NOTES, ROMEO CRENNEL. Panthers at Bucs
Two Throwgasms Giants at Browns: This game is lousy enough, but now it gets the added suck of Tony Kornheiser's endless shitheadery. "Hey Jaws, let me tell you a story you already know about Eli Manning! I mean, this guy was traded during the Draft. HE WAS TRADED! Lives in his brother's shadow for all this time, gets nearly benched, NEARLY BENCHED, and then goes on to WIN THE SUPER BOWL. Not just make the Super Bowl. WIN THE SUPER BOWL. Jaws, is that NOT an astonishing turn of events? Would you ever have foreseen that IN A MILLION YEARS? If you're a Giant fan, ARE YOU NOT AMAZED AND DELIGHTED? If I say something that is very obvious but WITH GREAT EMPHASIS, IT WILL SOUND INSIGHTFUL." He's awful. I like TK, but he is really, truly horrible during MNF games. Please quit, Tony. I don't like hating you this much. Packers at Seahawks: The NFC West is awful, as you know. But this is not necessarily a bad thing. If a team like the Seahawks or Cardinals were to make the playoffs this year at 7-9, or even 6-10, it would almost certainly force the NFL to reconfigure playoff seedings and formatting. Bill Simmons suggested recently that division winners should have to finish better than 8-8 to make the playoffs. I like this rule, because it all but ensures that no NFC West team will make the playoffs for another six decades. So keep on sucking, gentlemen! My future playoff enjoyment depends on it. Raiders at Saints: Warren Sapp told this story about the Raiders recently:
"Somebody came up one time and said, 'We're going deep right here, dog.' I said, 'how do you know?' He said, 'The phone just rang.' "I'm assuming Tom Cable's cryptphone will now ring 475 times a quarter. "Blah! Blah! I vant ze deep vaggle pass, Cable! HISSSSSS!!!!" Eagles at 49ers Bengals at Jets
One Throwgasm Lions at Vikings: Gah! This is terrible game. I'd like to take a moment to talk about three ads I've seen during games lately. The first one is the ad for that Hummer pick-up truck. Yes, because that's just what the American market is demanding right now. Another brilliant move from GM. It gets terrific centimeterage! Next ad: those fucking UPS ads. Look, I have no problem with UPS, or even their little whiteboard, or even the guy in the ads who stole Tom Hanks' haircut from "The Da Vinci Code". But every time I see those ads, that fucking Postal Service song gets stuck in my head. And god dammit, I HATE the Postal Service. Fucking emo freaks. Take your random blips and choke on them. Last ad: Those fucking Ashton Kutcher camera ads. Oooh, look at me! I'm dazzling my party guests with my ability to use my camera's touch screen! THAT'S SO SWEET, BRAH! Hey Ashton, I have an awesome idea for Punk'd! You get raped in prison! And you get AIDS! Isn't that hysterical? Rams at Redskins: You throw an end around flanker option pass, and you win my heart, Mr. Zorn. Well played. Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall "The Rat," by The Walkmen. "When I used to go out I would know everyone I saw/Now I go out alone if I go out at all." Clearly, these guys are married with kids just like I am. Minus points to The Walkmen's guitarist here for wearing a sweater over a button down shirt while playing. There is no less rocking piece of apparel than a sweater. "I wanna rock, but I also want to feel cozy." NO! You get yourself into a fucking Misfits t-shirt right NOW, mister! Embarassing Mixtape Track I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up "I'd Die Without You," by PM Dawn. I'm pretty sure Prince Be the Nocturnal is singing about a Hostess Cherry Pie here. I used to make lots of mixes when I was a kid, recording crap directly off of the radio. It made every song sound like it was recorded at the bottom of a well. If you're thinking this is PM Dawn's gayest video, you are WRONG. I submit to you the video for "Looking Through Patient Eyes" which not only samples from George Michael's "Father Figure," but also features Prince Be wearing what appears to be a failed blindfold. There's only one Prince who can rock something like that without looking like a complete ponce, and Prince Be ain't him. Fantasy
In the popular lexicon, drinking a Joose is described as "getting on the grid." Alternatively, one can ask a friend to drink Joose with them by saying, "let's get on the grid."So when Pacman Jones tells reporters, "Y'all, Pacman cain wayt 2 get back on dat grid," you can bet he's not talking about lining up against Larry Fitzgerald. Also of note:
In May of 2008, Joose released its latest flavor, Dragon Joose, whose packaging shows a purple dragon with purple lettering against a black background.THERE'S A DRAGON ON THAT GRID, PEOPLE! Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Bengals Fans Children Of Men. Between this and the new movie "Blindness," where everyone on Earth goes blind, I have discovered the hottest new trend in semi-independent filmmaking: inexplicable worldwide afflictions. The possibilities are endless. I have five such scripts now in development. Here now are the titles of each film, followed by the affliction they depict. Hear No Evil (everyone goes deaf) Our Left Feet (everyone loses a left foot) The Palin Effect (everyone loses 72 IQ points and starts winking uncontrollably) Smugged In (everyone suddenly has the same voice as Joe Buck) Hard Sharks (every man gets a permanent erection) You're welcome, Hollywood. I want eight points off the back end. Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "Don't thank me. THANK THE KNIFE." Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: Monica Bellucci. (semi-NSFW) She's not unattractive. Perhaps I could invite her to get on the grid with me. -For the gals: Actor Antonio Banderas. He is so… how do you say? Ahhhh, yes. CALIENTE! Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "TRAIN!" -Gordie LaChance Enjoy the games, everyone. Photoshop by 289.