[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]
Big news around college football refereeing circles this week was the ref who threw a shoulder and knocked South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia right the fuck out.
It's really funny. Probably not for Garcia, who, I remind you, was decked by a referee. It also wasn't funny for South Carolina and its fans who suffered a seven-point defeat to LSU.
It was funny to anyone who has a sense of humor.
See. Funny. Yay!
Subjected to Pac-10 officials for most of my on-site gaming and TV viewing, I don't get comedy from my referees. I have the same fucking umpire, who is seemingly officiating every Pac-10 every week, and sounds like he has cement in his mouth. He's very dull, monotonous, and well, Pac-10 officials have had their problems the last few seasons.
Perhaps the funniest thing a ref has done, well, ever, is this ACC official explaining a personal foul:
I laugh out loud every time I hear that clip. Holy shit that's funny! Give this guy an open mic and an audience and he's a millionaire!
How will college football refs get involved Saturday?
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.
No. 6 Oklahoma State at No. 1 Texas, 3:30 p.m., ABC: Fuck Texas' schedule is hard. Oklahoma, then Missouri and now OK State? Rough. But the Longhorns like it rough and from behind.
I frankly know nothing of Oklahoma State and don't think they're a top-15 team let alone a top-six team. But their uniforms look like fucking candy corn. Oooh, Halloween's soon. Love Halloween! Texas 42, Oklahoma State 20.
No. 7 Georgia at No. 13 LSU, 3:30 p.m., CBS: The SEC's back! I'd rather this be a night game because the SEC at night is like porn for me — those stadiums look great at night! — but I'll settle for Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson and the sexy Tracy "Hungry Like the" Wolfson. Not a bad consolation.
Offense will be more lacking than gasoline in Georgia, but it'll make it that more competitive. Both teams are still playing for a trip to the SEC title game and perhaps a National Title. Georgia 4, LSU 2.
No. 3 Penn State at No. 9 Ohio State, 8 p.m., ABC: Just when you think Ohio State is fucked, there go the Buckeyes beating the shit out of Michigan State. I fucking hate Ohio State. I hate the Big 10. Fuck. But, at home, Ohio State's gonna win... and the Buckeyes will win the Big 10 with the tie-breaker over the Nittany Lions, they'll make it to the BCS championship and they'll lose by 60 to some SEC school. (There might have been some hyperbole in that sentence). Ohio State 21, Penn State 17.
No. 8 Texas Tech at No. 23 Kansas, 12 p.m., ESPN: De-fense (clap, clap). De-fense (clap, clap). De-fense (clap, clap). Texas Tech 56, Kansas 38.
No. 5 USC at Arizona, 10:15 p.m., FSN?: Just love these West Coast night games. Nobody East of the Mississippi knows what happens and I get to watch the end of this game while drinking piss beer with other football fans who are, at this point, probably depressed.
The game? Arizona is pretty darn good. Willie Tuitama, who's been at Arizona since 1996, finally has a good ground game to balance his record-breaking passing numbers at U of A. USC is very good and won by 69 points last week against Washington State High School. USC 27, Arizona 20.
No. 2 Alabama at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.
Virginia Tech at No. 25 Florida State, 12:30 p.m., ABC.
Illinois at Wisconsin, noon, ESPN 2.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
2 oz vodka
2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
2 oz tonic water
Pour vodka, Kahlua, and tonic water into a rocks or old-fashioned glass. Serve with a straw.
Try like six of those in an hour span and you should be good for a halftime puke fest. Fun for girls, too!
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"oyR+ae>klWm%" (Ya know, Hitler was a great leader too). Puts hand to head.
Bet It Hard:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
Washington State vs. Bye (-22.5). Well, I'm gonna keep betting against the Cougars, whether they're playing or not.
2008 Bet It Hard Record: 4-0. (All picks against WSU).
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
Keola Antolin, RB, Arizona.
This fuck, who I'd spend my Washington State "Bet it Hard" money on to shave his fucking head with hedge clippers, rushed 21 times for 149 yards (7.1 yards per carry) with three touchdowns last week in a big win.
But Nic Grigsby is my fantasy stud. He's done wonders for me this season. Grigsby fumbled in the first quarter and didn't get another touch. Antolin came in and sparked the win. Fuck Antolin, the cock-faced cum goblin. He stole my (Grigsby's) TDs and helped my Pac-10 fantasy squad put up 0 points. Zero! Like -2, -1, 0. Fucking zero! Don't fall asleep, Keola, if that is your real name, ASSHOLE!
Playboy Babe of the Week:
Playmate of the Month, August, 2001, Jennifer Walcott.
Unfair. Totally unfair. No woman who I'm not having sex with 23 hours a day can be this hot. It's just mean. Fuck you, Jennifer. Fuck your parents for making you this hot. Fuck your surgeon for giving you perfect cans. And fuck Adam Archuleta for fucking you.
I didn't mean that, Jenn. Can I call you Jenn? Sorry, baby. You know I'm just jealous. Call me.
NSFW masturbation photos here.
College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, football fans.