Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100% new material, is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW in stores and online here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. The Detroit Lions are going to go 0-16 this year. It's gonna happen. No joke. Look at their remaining schedule: at Carolina, vs. Tampa, vs. Tennnessee, vs. Minnesota, at Indy, vs. New Orleans, and at Green Bay. With the exception of the Vikings (who can shit the bed against anyone) and maybe the Saints, that is a fucking brutal stretch for any team, much less one that is utterly dead inside. The Lions are fucked. And that is awesome.We were so close to getting an 0-16 team last year. Those little Miami cockteases were just the kind of rudderless, shitty team that seemed up to the task. But nooooo, they had to go and win in overtime against the Ravens and ruin the fun for everyone. What a bunch of selfish pricks. You should have seen them celebrate after they won. "Oooh! Look at us! We won one whole game! HOORAY FOR SELF ESTEEM! GIVE US A RIBBON!" Losers. They must have taken douche-acting lessons from Mercury Morris. Not this Detroit team. No, I have a complete absence of faith in this team's vomitous play. I really don't believe in them. Not only are they missing talent. And good coaching. And motivation. And a quarterback. But they also have that rare total lack of chemistry that you only see once in a generation. It's rare that you get to see a group of players come apart and play as none, like this team does. I think Detroit fans deserve an 0-16 team, and I don't mean that as an insult. I mean, what more fitting way to cap the end of Matt Millen's reign of fucktardedness than by going 0-16? What more proper legacy of shittiness can that idiot have bestowed upon that town? Look, if you're a Lion fan, and you had to sit through season after season of breathtaking incompetence, you should at least get a little memento for your trouble. You deserve, after years of watching teams that were merely shitty, to have the absolute SHITTIEST team of all time. You deserve that little piece of history. You deserve a chance to have an 0-16 NEVER FORGET tattoo emblazoned on your shoulder blade. That way, you can hold it over the head of every other fan out there. "Oh, you Cubs fans have had it rough, eh? WELL FUCK YOU IN THE PANTS. 0 and 16, you cunts." No one will ever again question your ability to tolerate ill-timed penalties, crucial drops, revolving door QBs, and mindless special teams gaffes. It's almost the same as bragging about having been in prison. And, if you're from Detroit, you're likely to have that on your resume as well. You deserve a chance to tell your grandson about this team, to sit little Johnny on your lap and say, "Oh, upset that I didn't get you a flying hoverboard for Christmas, are you? Well, you can get fucked, little Johnny. Because my team went 0-16 once. And I have arthritis now, so I can't go hoverboarding. I hope you get that new RoboAIDS, kid." Most importantly, I want to make sure that Millen spends the rest of his life with that 0-16 scarlet letter tattooed on his big fat stupid head. I want him to go to his goddamn grave with people reminding him every five seconds that he was the arrogant, vacuum-headed tardbacker who assembled the absolute worst football team in the history of mankind. I want him to be permanently tarred by his glaring failure, unable to escape from its ever-looming shadow. Perhaps it could drive him to madness, as he spends his final days in the basement of a mental ward, writing out his name on the floor with his own feces. I think Detroit fans deserve to have that happen. So get ready, everyone. History is about to be made. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Jets at Patriots: No more bye weeks! Huzzah! Finally, everyone is playing every week again. No more worrying about those fucking bye weeks when you set your fantasy roster. Remember the couple years when they gave every team TWO bye weeks? Oh, how I loooathed that. When the bye weeks are over, you know that we're about to get into some serious fucking football. NICE. Oh, and I hope Brett Favre chokes on a meatball and dies in front of his family. Cowboys at Redskins: Romo's back for this one. But beware. He could be out up to another five weeks should he dislocate a sideburn. PUSSY. Ravens at Giants
Four Throwgasms Broncos at Falcons: Both Bill Simmons and Michael Silver have forwarded the idea of Matt Ryan deserving league MVP honors this year. And I understand the argument. He's come in and completely changed both the atmosphere and fortunes of that team. And yet… GAHHHHHH SOMEONE STEP UP TO THE FUCKING PLATE SO MATT GODDAMN RYAN ISN'T MVP, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
Three Throwgasms Chargers at Steelers Vikings at Bucs Bears at Packers
Two Throwgasms Saints at Chiefs: According to PFT, Jeremy Shockey is hated by some of his Saints teammates. I find this stunning. Only SOME people on the team can't stand that asshole? Color me surprised. Raiders at Dolphins: I have to say, it's pretty damn mind-blowing that Ricky Williams is having the season he's having. In fact, I may have to expound on it in the Kornheiser voice. "Jaws, can you BELIEVE what Ricky Williams is doing right now?! ARE YOU NOT ABSOLUTELY STUNNED?! I mean, he had quit. QUIT! HE HAD QUIT THE GAME, JAWS. QUIT. THE GAME. Out of football for a year. Then he goes to the CFL, THE CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE. And now he's back and rushing for 100 yards in a game? Would you ever have guessed IN A MILLION YEARS that he would come back like this?! If you're a Ricky Williams fan, ARE YOU NOT ORGASMING IN YOUR SHORTS RIGHT NOW?!" Texans at Colts Eagles at Bengals Cardinals at Seahawks Titans at Jaguars Browns at Bills
One Throwgasm Lions at Panthers: If Jake Delhomme can toss four picks and still beat the Raiders, he can probably play without legs and still beat Detroit. Rams at 49ers: Yikes. I'd rather watch an eighty-year-old homeless person get a pedicure. Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Soon," by My Bloody Valentine. Got no plans for the evening? Then do what I did in my early 20's. Stay home. Smoke an assload of pot. Put on the album "Loveless" at harrier jet-engine volume level, take off all your clothes, and then hump your mattress like a pit bull fresh off the chain. My Bloody Valentine is famous for many things. For one, they bankrupted their label, Creation, while making "Loveless." They were also famous for turning their back on the audience and playing at volume levels well past the point of physical pain. They also recently reunited. So if you're looking for a band that ignores you on stage and has no regard for the health of your Eustachian tubes, MBV is the band for you. (By the way, first person to say they sound like Smashing Pumpkins gets slapped with my ballsack.) Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
The Mo' Money Soundtrack. I bought this album specifically because I liked Janet Jackson and Luther Vandross' duet on "The Best Things In Life Are Free." But that song wasn't even on this soundtrack! BULLSHIT! Don't mock. I enjoyed listening to that song while flirting with imaginary girlfriend. I was very smooth with Gwendolyn. By the way, Mo' Money is a horrible, horrible movie. There are few more awkward combinations in the world than Damon Wayans and romantic comedy. Even with Stacey Dash looking at her absolute peak. She is extremely not unattractive. Bonus King Diamond Song Of The Week!
"Welcome Home," by King Diamond. I have a big soft spot in my heart for ridiculous metal bands, and they don't get much more ridiculous than Denmark's own King Diamond. The 80's were the high-water mark for lead vocalists with testicle-shattering falsettos. Rob Halford of Judas Priest is the most renowned of this group. But no one took it to the extremes that King Diamond did. Seriously, listen to this guy's voice. Holy dogshit. He could make a goddamn Schnauser's head implode. Throw in the fact that he paints his face like Sting (the wrestler, not the pretentious asshole), and the fact that his backing band appears to be Y&T, and you have yourself a historic moment in the annals of comedic goth metal. And don't forget the lyrics! Let me help you out of the chair... Grandma Let me touch you, let me feel... ahhh Grandma take a look What do you think of the house and The silvery moon? We are going to repaint the front door Soon Oooh, repaint the front door! So verrry scarrrrry! Oooooooo! Sinister! Let's go to the Wikipedia facts on King Diamond, shall we?
On stage, Diamond uses a microphone handle consisting of a femur bone and a tibia bone in the shape of a cross opposite. Diamond had previously used a full human skeleton, which was called Melissa, on stage. In the mid-1980s Melissa's skull was stolen after a performance in the Netherlands. It was claimed to have been finally returned in 2006; however, this was denied by King Diamond himself.
Oh no! They took sweet Melissa! Alas, poor Melissa, we hardly knew ye. Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death LaDainian Tomlinson. What the fuck happened to YOU, man?! I half expect Tomlinson to tear off the name on his jersey to reveal the name MEANS underneath. Five Potential Key Injuries -Carson Palmer (elbow) -Jamal Lewis ("prison bruises") -Shaun Hill (rectal mucus) -LenDale White (diabetes) -Wes Welker (tongue shingles) Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of the Cardinals was correct, which makes me 7-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Arizona, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Carolina, and gorging yourself to death.
"I'll have the lot." Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Chicago getting 4 points on the road against Green Bay. You don't see a lot of Jewish surfers out there these days. And that's too bad. Because there's nothing like having a Jew or two during Happy Hour." 2008 Nazi Shark Record: 2-6 Great Moments In Sports Poop History I got enough great poop stories from the other week, that it seems foolish to waste them. So every week, I'll toss in a new and exciting poop story for your digestion. Take it away, fellow pooper! "Hello, "I used to coach high school basketball and I had a kid who actually shat right in his shorts. On the floor. During the game. The kid was 16 and I gotta say he was a real trooper out there as he tried to gut it out until halftime. Unfortunately with about 2:00 left in the 2nd quarter he ran over to me and said, "Coach, I need to . . ." and at that point out out it came, right down the side of the old leg. "Being the pro that I am, I called for my 10-year old 5th grade manager and promptly hightailed it out of the immediate vicinity. Meanwhile, fans were actually running for the exits, covering their mouths and gagging audibly. Horrific scene, and it caused quite a stink. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Anyway, the kid was obviously the target of some severe abuse the rest of the season from everyone, including his teammates and opposing fans. My favorite was when we were playing our arch rivals and he was pelted with diapers. Hey, Ohio basketball is vicious. The kid is now 23 and is still stuck with the nickname Scatman. "True story. Regards, Scary Clown" Fire This Asshole! Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block: Jim Haslett Tom Cable Mike Singletary Marvin Lewis Rod Marinelli Herm Edwards Norv Turner Wade Phillips Romeo Crennel Gary Kubiak I'm not sure any coach has worn out his welcome as quickly as Singletary has. I mean, this is worse than when Marty Mornhinweg riding out of training camp on his motorcycle. You gotta be a real power tool to top that jackass. Gametime Snack Of The Week
Smartfood popcorn. An ingenious product, when you think about it. "Well, we have this popcorn that's been cooked in pure motor oil, then slathered with white cheese dust. It's full of fat and calories. But, if we tell people that it's health food, they must just be stupid enough to believe it!" And they do. Oh, do they ever. They put a bag of this out at work the other day. I walked by it, opened it, and took a handful. I then crammed the handful into my mouth all at once, smushing it in to my oral cavity as if it were trash I was trying to jam down into a wastepaper basket. Then I sat back down at my desk. Five minutes later, I got up and took another handful. Five minutes later, I got up and took another. Within 30 minutes, I was pouring the few remaining crumbs out of the bag and into my gullet. No one at work said anything to me, but I'm quite sure they will be forever scarred by witnessing it. We're getting close to the holiday season. And this tends to be the time of year when you come across one of those buckets of fancy popcorn that's divided into three sections: cheese, caramel, and straight butter. It takes me about three seconds to go through the cheese and caramel sections. The butter section? Oh, I take my time with that one. Also, I am incapable of eating popcorn without needing seven toothpicks afterward. I still have kernel skin in my molars from eight weeks ago. One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls "Young athletes today lack the cognitive ingenuity and verbal adroitness necessary to be able to pontificate in front of a microphone with any semblance of sagaciousness. HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT LITTLE MONKEY RUN DOWN THE FIELD!" Gametime Beer Of The Week
Samuel Smith's Nut Brown Ale. I spent some time in England when I was in college. There was neighborhood pub that sold two-pound pints of this stuff. I've never tried heroin, but I have to imagine this is the malt beverage equivalent. Right next to the pub was a Mongolian Wok restaurant, which is one of those places where you spend five pounds to throw a shitload of noodles into a bowl, and then watch them fry it all up for you. I spent 95% of my time in England either at that pub or at that restaurant. And I'm not really sure why I ever left. I shall return for you one day, Three Goats Heads. Mark my fucking words. Random FKS-Style Tidbit I had to blow leaves off our lawn the other day, which is the only time a person should ever be forced to perform a blow job (HEY-O!!!!!). I used a Ryobi electric blower.
Now, electric blowers are totally gay. Ideally, I should be using one of those $500 Stihl fuckers that runs on pure molten coal extract. That said, the thing does kind of look like an RPG launcher, which made me feel totally sweet. I imagined every leaf I blew three feet was a dirty terrorist getting a taste of my all-American wrath. I also tried putting the blower atop my shoulder and pretending I was Megatron. "Fool! I cannot be terminated by a single blast from your puny weapon!" Robert Evans' MVP Watch! Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, your front-runner for the NFL's MVP thus far is Adrian Peterson of the Vikings. Strong? You bet! Feisty? Just like Lauren Bacall after half a bottle of crème de menthe! I tell you something, kids. That woman sure looked damn good wearing nothing but her mother's costume jewelry. The kid stayed in that vagina!" Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans
Miller's Crossing. I'M TALKIN' ABOUT ETICKS! I watch this movie once a year. It never, ever stops being the fucking shit. If you don't like Miller's Crossing, then I don't want to know you. In fact, I will make it my mission in life to hunt you down and glue your eyes shut. Because you don't deserve the gift of eyesight if you can't appreciate Leo blowing away Caspar's men with a Thompson and then digging a cigar back out of his robe pocket. I'll also stab you right in the ears, because you don't deserve to hear if you can't appreciate Carter Burwell's score, or Eddie Dane's dialogue. "Jesus. I open my mouth, the whole world turns smart." "We only pick fighters we know we can put the fear of God in." What a big, gay badass. There's no manlier top than Eddie Dane. There isn't a single scene in this movie that isn't awesome. The fat lady braining Tommy with her purse. Caspar smacking the shit out of his kid. Rug Daniels getting his toupee stolen ("They took his hair, Tommy. Christ, that's weird."). The whole thing is flawless. The first time I saw this movie, I spent the rest of the year trying to talk like the characters in this flick did. Girls were twists. Whisky was paint. Jews were schmattas. Did it make me sound like a complete ass? Oh yes. Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous." Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: Giant gallery of Victoria's Secret model Alessandra Ambrosia. Sure, she's mildly attractive. But is she as appealing as REAL ambrosia? Pineapple chunks. Mandarin oranges. Cool Whip. Mini marshmallows. Dunno if your world-class physique can compete with that, my lady! -For the gals: Twilight star Robert Pattinson. Okay, everyone. I've really had just about enough of this whole Twilight bullshit. I can't open a goddamn issue of Entertainment Weekly without hearing about these retarded books. Ooooh, a girl falls in love with a vampire! How new and unheard of! IT'S FORBIDDEN LOVE! Jesus. I liked this story much better the first time I heard it, when it was called "Every stupid fucking vampire story you've ever heard." Just because chunky 13-year-old girls with black nail polish (who actually hope to fall in love with a very pretty vampire one day) like it doesn't mean I have to hear about it every three seconds. Fuck the fuck off. Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "Always put one in the brain." -Johnny Caspar. I may just put Miller's Crossing quotes here for the rest of eternity. God dammit, I love that movie. Enjoy the games, everyone. Special thanks to the brave souls who came out last night for the Tyson's Corner reading.