Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100% new material, is available in stores and online here, and makes a lovely Christmas gift for the chronic masturbator in your life. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. Ocho: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. This is a very special day for everyone in the Ocho Cinco household. And, as I do every year, I would like to take a moment to tell you the story of the very first Thanksgiving. Now, we all know that Thanksgiving is when we celebrate Jesus' birthday…
Marvin: Excuse me, Chad? That's actually not correct. Christmas is the holiday we use to mark the birth of Jesus. Ocho: No, it isn't. That's Santa Claus' birthday. Marvin: No, it isn't. Ocho: Yes it is. If Christmas ain't Santa's birthday, then WHEN was Santa Claus born? Marvin: I don't know. Ocho: I rest my case. Marvin: He's a fictional character! He doesn't have a birthday because he doesn't exi… Ocho: GOD DAMMIT, WILL YOU LET ME TELL THE FUCKING STORY?! Maybe if you stopped interrupting and let me tell the whole story, you'd see where I was going with this shit! Marvin: Okay. By all means, go on. Ocho: Right. So now, we all know that, when he was a kid, Jesus had to spend most of his time fighting the dinosaurs. Now, the dinosaurs were real savages and shit. They ate airplanes and everything. But there was this one little girl dinosaur Jesus met one day that wasn't like the other dinosaurs. She was very kind and gentle. And she was sexy as all hell. So Jesus went to the head dinosaur and asked for a truce. He said, "Mr. Head Dinosaur, I cannot tell a lie. I love your little baby dinosaur daughter. I would like to marry her, so that we have little DinoJesus babies one day, and raise them to be cage fighters." But the head dinosaur wasn't hearing that shit. He was very racist against Jesus, and only wanted his daughter to marry other dinosaurs. So Jesus said, "All right, BITCH. You wanna play it like that? You gon PAY!" So then he went over to England and hooked up with the Pilgrims, who had these machine-gun musket type things. Then, they deaded ALL THEM FUCKING DINOS. Even the flying ones. POW! They just shot that shit right out of the air. Now, when the Indians heard about this, they got really fucking pissed, because they liked painting dinosaurs on their teepees and shit. So they sent out this giant smoke signal from America that said HEY YOU WHITE PEOPLE! COME GET A TASTE OF SQUANTO, BITCHES! Then they did that thing where they cover their mouths and go BA BA BA BA BA BA BA!!! Well, Jesus didn't like that too much. So he hopped on the pilgrims' boat and sailed on over with his little dinosaur baby momma. But they didn't know where to land, right? They needed to land somewhere where the little Indians couldn't wrestle them. But then, out in the middle of the ocean, this big turkey flew onto the front of their ship. And he said, "Follow me." Then he flew ahead. So Jesus and the pilgrims followed the turkey all the way to a Plymouth dealership. This was a long time ago, so they did have brokeass Plymouth Dusters back then. So Jesus thanked the turkey for leading them to the car dealer. But then he thought to himself, "Hey, you know turkey is a pretty good lunch meat. But I bet it would make a good dinner meat, too." So Jesus asked the Indians to help him catch the turkey. Only they had a Butterball already cooked and ready to go. So then they just all ate. Then Jesus deaded ALL THEM INDIANS. Then he banged that hot little stegosaurus. Then they drove off. And that's the true story of the first Thanksgiving. Legend has it, if you take a boat out into the ocean, there are still turkeys out there, ready to guide you. Isn't that right, Coach? Marvin: You're a fucking idiot. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Steelers at Patriots: The bounty on Matt Cassel's knee will now be set at $100. Christ, that team can even replace Dreamboats with Dreamier Boats! THAT'S BULLSHIT! Saints at Bucs: Drew Brees wins this year's award for "Fantasy Player You're Scared Shitless To Play Against." Going against him in fantasy is almost more terrifying than the fact that Ridley Scott is directing a movie version of Monopoly. It'll be just like There Will Be Blood, only with real estate. And dice. Ooh! Ooh! Will it have three endings? Giants at Redskins Bears at Vikings
Four Throwgasms Broncos at Jets
Three Throwgasms Cardinals at Eagles: I think Andy Reid gets fatter every time I see him. Before, he used to be just kind of jolly fat. Now looking at him can give you acid reflux. For real. He's reaching Mangino proportions. Even Wade Phillips thinks that guy is a big fat fuck. He may need to coach the rest of the year from a wheelbarrow. Side note: I got hit by a truck on Monday. I was sitting in a traffic jam, at a dead stop, when the truck in front of me decided to back up right into me. The truck then drove off. So I followed the fucker from the shoulder while dialing 911. The truck than backed into another truck, totaling it. Finally, the offending truck pulled over to the side of the road. The driver, an older fellow, told me he didn't even realize he had hit me (despite me honking and yelling out my window STOP FUCKING HITTING ME YOU FUCK), or that he was going backwards at the time. And what state might this gifted driver have hailed from? That's right: Pennsylvania. YOU FUCKING PENNSYLVANIA DRIVERS DON'T FUCKING DESERVE CARS. FUCK YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR FUCKING CARS REVOKED AND REPLACED WITH A GODDAMN TRICYCLE. FUCK YOU. CHOKE ON A FUCKING WISHBONE. Falcons at Chargers: You know, the Chargers may have a terrible record, but I'd still rather watch them over a good deal of other teams that have better records. Like the Eagles. God, are they fucking torture to sit through. I'll take Marmalard any day of the week over that shitshow. Panthers at Packers
Two Throwgasms 49ers at Bills: Fuck you, Berman Jaguars at Texans Colts at Browns
One Throwgasm Chiefs at Raiders: Guh. I'd rather watch the ad agency sex tape again. This never happened to me when I worked at DDB. Such bullshit. There's wayyy too much man ass in this video. I'd like to ban a whole host of standard porn movie shots, foremost among them the "extreme balls pounding close-up shot." You know the one. The one where you see the scrotum slam into the girl and blow up like a tennis ball. I don't need to see that in my porn movies. More of the woman, please. There's no need to go that tight from any angle. It's okay to show me more than just the butter churning. Dolphins at Rams: John Forte got pardoned! Phillips Exeter Academy ROOLZ! I talked to Forte a few times when we were at school together. One night, he was in my dorm talking to a couple of other guys about the struggles of being a black man. At one point in the conversation, for no real reason, I said, "Yeah, I hear that." Forte turned to me, glaring, and said, "No, I DON'T THINK YOU DO." He was probably right about that. I once hung out with two guys who roomed with Forte in New York. I asked them if Forte smoked a lot of weed in the apartment, which led to this exchange: Guy 1: You know, I don't think I ever saw John smoking weed. Guy 2: The fuck are you talking about? He SOLD us weed, asshole. Cheers to you, Forte. Titans at Lions: Hope you rented a good movie for the day. Ravens at Bengals Seahawks at Cowboys Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Love Removal Machine," by The Cult. The Cult's original name was Southern Death Cult. I really, really wish they had kept that name. That is a fucking badass name for a band. Much better than Harry Pussy. It's so hard to find a decently named band these days. Peep the video. He kicks a can! That guy don't give a fuck about NOTHIN'! Also, go to the :50 mark, which features an extreme closeup of Billy Duffy's package. "We've got… armadillos in our trousers." If you can tell any difference between lead singer Ian Astbury here in his puffy shirt and 80's one-hit wonder Alannah Myles,, I'll give you a nickel. "Black velvet, if you pleeeeeease…" After The Cult broke up, Astbury was the guy who went on tour with the surviving members of The Doors. And frankly, I don't know which I find more offensive: the fact that Astbury tried to replace Jim Morrison, or that he subjected the world to more of The Doors music. Unless I'm watching the beginning of Apocalypse Now, I never need to hear another song from that fucking band as long as I live. Embarassing Mixtape Track I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Silent Lucidity," by Queensryche. God, what a gay song. I understand rock bands having to do the occasional power ballad. Sometimes, you gotta do a song that pulls in the tail. But what I cannot abide by is a rock band doing a fucking lullaby. Let's go to the lyrics: It was all a bad dream Spinning in your head Your mind tricked you to feel the pain… Ride the whims of your mind Commanding in another world Suddenly, you hear and see This magic new dimension… I will be watching over you I am gonna help you see it through I will protect you in the night I am smiling next to you... in silent lucidity This is the kind of shit a Catholic priest says to an altar boy to help explain why they have to nap together in the same bed. Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death I finally dropped Willis McGahee this week. I don't give a fuck if he's owned in 95% of Yahoo's leagues. 95% of Yahoo's leagues are fucked. YOU CAN'T HURT ME ANYMORE, YOU LITTLE SHIT. Five Potential Key Injuries -Tony Gonzalez (knee) -Andy Reid (menopause) -Chad Ocho Cinco (phantom brain) -Clinton Portis ("Diddy overbite") -Kerry Collins (stewed liver) Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of the Bucs was correct, which makes me 9-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Tampa, Carolina, Arizona, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Tennessee (still riding the Lions to victory!), and shooting yourself in the head after a particularly painful Thanksgiving dinner argument. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NICE TIME FOR EVERYONE, DAMMIT! BONUS SUICIDE: Leaving your space station without a space suit on. I'm surprised more astronauts don't commit suicide. You have to sit for weeks at a time in a goddamn coffee can. I imagine the thrill of just being up in space tends to dissipates by the time you realize that you can't get drunk, or go on a grocery run. If you didn't bring any cookies with you up in that shuttle, then you're not getting any fucking cookies for a long time. Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Dallas giving 13 points at home against the Seahawks. Hey, remora fish, stop clinging to my back and feeding off of my mealtime scraps. You assholes are the Jews of the high seas." 2008 Nazi Shark Record: 2-8 (Jesus, Nazi Shark is terrible at this. He's almost as bad at it as Simmons is. You know what this means, don't you? That's right. Bill Simmons is a fucking NAZI.) Great Moments In Sports Poop History I got enough great poop stories from the other week, that it seems foolish to waste them. So every week, I'll toss in a new and exciting poop story for your digestion. Take it away, fellow pooper! "Years ago, before I went to college, I had a summer job as a landscaper at the local golf course. I could feel the demon deuce brewing, so I drove my cart to the on-course outhouse. No dice, as there was a massive wasp's nest in the corner of the ceiling. "I reached in ever so slightly, grabbed as much t.p. as I could, and drove my cart to the only place where there wasn't golfers at the time...the 14th tee box. I blamed it on a rogue animal. Best, Tecmo" Ah, but did he poop from the men's tees or the ladies' tees? I imagine if you have a fairly unchallenging poop, you go with the ladies' tees. He should have tried to poop ON a tee. Fire This Asshole! Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block: Jim Haslett Tom Cable Mike Singletary Marvin Lewis Rod Marinelli Herm Edwards Norv Turner Romeo Crennel Andy Reid Gary Kubiak Jack Del Rio Mike McCarthy I still think Mike McCarthy looks like he's about 13 years old. He looks like he's about to come storming into your room with chocolate smeared all over his mouth and screaming out, "YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS! I JUST SAW A FOX TAKE A SHIT ON OLD MAN CRUMPET'S DOORSTEP!" Gametime Pie Of The Week
Pumpkin pie. But you gotta warm that shit up. So that the ice cream (or whipped cream, if you prefer) melts on top, and drips down into all the little cracks in the filling and commingles with all the nutmeggy goodness inside and WHOOPS! Just had a foodgasm there. Oh dear. The same thing always happens at dessert with my family on Thanksgiving. After we've had the turkey, my mom asks if we should have dessert immediately, or if we should wait for a second, to give ourselves time to digest. So then we all chill out for a second. Only everyone's stuffed, and has nothing to say, and would really like to just go watch TV. So one of us (usually me) stands up and says, "Fuck this. I'm having pie NOW." Waiting to digest is for suckers. One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls "You'll be like a superhero, with bonus raping ability." Gametime Beer Of The Week
Newcastle! I spent a lot of time this week looking up beers that went well with Thanksgiving dinner, until I realized that doing that was gay. Listen, I love beer as much as the next guy, but if you're the sort of fellow who wants to arrange beer pairings with your food, you're a fucking douche. Anyway, during my browsing, I stumbled upon two interesting articles. The first was this press release from the National Beer Wholesalers Association lobbying group, which is notable mainly for its headline: "Beer Adds New Excitement to Traditional Thanksgiving Feast" Beer? On Thanksgiving? Well shit, I'd never thought of that. Those lobbying firms sure know how to craft a persuasive argument. And here's an article from 1983, from a site called Michael Jackson's Beer Hunter (you'd think it would be named Michael Jackson's KILF Hunter). It includes this sentence: Since the Pilgrims were Protestant, purists might object to a beer from a Catholic monastery. Again, if you're the sort of person who turns down a Duvel because it doesn't fit with the spirit of the holiday, you don't deserve beer, or turkey, or your balls. Die. Random FKS-Style Tidbit I read my kid a lot of nursery rhymes. First off, I can't read my kid any nursery rhyme without constantly making sure I don't veer off into the Dice Clay version of whatever rhyme I happen to be reading. "Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, so Jack ignored her flabby tits and licked her asshole clean! OH! Wait. Forget I said that, kid." Second of all, have you read some of these rhymes? They're kind of fucked. Peter the Pumpkin Eater keeps his wife in a pumpkin shell? What is this, Boxing Helena? Then there's the old woman who lived in a shoe, who sounds like a total cunt: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn't know what to do. (and her uterus fell out. OH!) She gave them some broth without any bread, Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed. Well lady, maybe if you had kept your thighs shut, you wouldn't have 30 kids frazzling the shit out of you. Starve the kids and whip them? This is exactly how things work in the Palin household. Robert Evans' MVP Watch! Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, your front-runner for the NFL's MVP thus far is Peyton Manning of the Colts. I like the kid. Tough? You bet! Determined? Like Brando walking toward a craft services table. I tell ya, the kid just doesn't have any quit in him! He reminds me of a seventeen-year-old Katherine Ross. When I first met her, she begged me to sleep with her. Trying to seduce me, Ms. Robinson?! "But I said, SLOW DOWN BABY! Evans doesn't like ‘working' with child stars, if you catch my drift. But damn if that little girl wasn't persistent! We ended up in each other's arms on a flight from Tunis to Buenos Aires. Sexy? You know it! Illegal? Not 10,000 feet over the Andes, it isn't. Few people know this, but I do like calling my penis the Sundance Kid. He's such a lovable scamp!" Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans
Zodiac. I see very few movies that legitimately scare the shit out of me, and this is one of them. I will never go on a picnic again. One second, you're with your cute steady gal enjoying a lovely egg salad sandwich, the next second AHHHHH HOLY SHIT HE'S STABBING ME REPEATEDLY WITH A VERY SHARP KNIFE AHHHHHHH!!!! I saw this movie at home, when the only other person in my house was my kid, who was asleep. Bad idea. I watched that one scene where the lady was in the car with the killer, and he's all matter of factly like, "Before I kill you, I'm gonna throw your baby out the window." OH, FUCK. I spent the rest of the night lying in my bed with the TV on, clutching a five-iron, with my brain constantly psyching me the fuck out. You ever watch something that disturbs the shit out of you, so you then have to watch something happy to help take your mind off it, only your brain keeps fucking with you? That happened to me. "Oh, look! Letterman's on! Oh, that's nice. You know, they never did technically catch the Zodiac Killer. He could be right behind that door, ready to filet your family… FUCK!" Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night." Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: Model Kitana Baker. You might remember Kitana as one of the chicks who got into the catfight in the Miller Lite ads. And that would appear to now represent the apex of her career. Unless my Thong Channel startup becomes a reality. -For the gals: Batman himself, Christian Bale, sans shirt. To his batpole, girls! Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "I WILL EQUALIZE YOU!" -Brian Enjoy the games, everyone. And a very happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones. Photoshop by 289.