Last Friday during a minor league hockey game in Peoria, Illinois, a ray of light emerged amongst a raging cyclone of evil, wicked line dances.
I was in the greater Peoria area on non-blogging business — if AJ was sending me there on actual blogging business, you can guarantee it was a ploy to get rid of me — when during the second intermission of the hockey game between Peoria Rivermen and the Iowa Chops, the "Cha Cha Slide" began streaming over the loudspeaker.
Throughout my life I've campaigned tirelessly against the spread and promotion of the "Cha Cha Slide" at high school dances, night clubs, glow bowling, weddings, and lynchings of former Iraqi dictators. To little avail, DJs continue to play a song that's more effective as a torture technique than waterboarding, electrocution, and marathons of The Nanny combined. It's nothing but a bass line, drums, and instructions handed down from an unknown man that people, for whatever reason, unconditionally obey. If the song ended with "Now, riot on the streets," you can bet the unwashed masses would probably do so. Other tunes may sound worse, but none of them possess these inherently evil properties, making "Cha Cha Slide" the indisputable worst song in the history of sound.
That's when a brave little type in a Devin Hester jersey intervened. With a teddy bear for charity in one hand, he pushed an unsuspecting lemming with his other hand into his acquaintance's lap, spilling large amounts of nacho cheese down into his pants, justice — for once — finally prevailed in the War Against The Cha Cha Slide. I forget who won the hockey game.