TMZ is reporting that invalid quarterback Tom Brady, who dumped his hot pregnant actress girlfriend for less pregnant supermodel Gisele Bundchen, is now affianced to said supermodel, thereby taking his golden ass off the market.
The otherwise useless former athlete allegedly proposed to the genetic freak onboard a private jet, in front of her parents, on Christmas Eve. She also allegedly said yes, despite the fact that he is damaged goods—his withered husk of a knee rendering him incapable of stealing American hearts with crisp short-yardage passes to Randy Moss, late-game heroics reminiscent of a young Alexander The Great, or amassing many billions of dollars in endorsement deals with his rakish good looks and Midwestern farm boy charms. With his Super Bowl prospects, earning potential, and actress-ravishing abilities at an all-time nadir—and her well-regarded ability to sexually hypnotize any man in the world—his bride-to-be has successfully transacted what is known in the financial world as "buying the cow when the milk rotten."
It must be love.