A Very Deadspin Holiday

I foolishly asked, and now you receive. Here's what some of you folks got mixed up in this holiday season:

• My friends like to give out gag gifts every year, the kind of tacky stuff you'd find in places like Spencer's Gifts. This year being no exception, one of my boys gives us all "baby-size condoms." It gets a cheap laugh, and I completely forget about it a minute later. Later on, I go to visit my family for the holidays, and toss my jacket on the living room couch. You know what happens. Several shiny wrappers fall to the floor, and one of my relatives goes to pick it up before I can stop him. Comedy ensues … if you consider a 25-year-old trying to explain why he's carrying miniature contraceptives to his entire family comedic. Good times! -Candace Parker Secret Lover

• I got a free carte blanche bar tab at Off The Wagon which I will be using this weekend. My friends know that every time I go there I make a mockery of human existence and drink myself to shame from beer pong and refusing to leave the table even if I can't stand when I keep winning. Its shameful. However, its probably the most useful present I've got since I got a puppy 7 years ago. -Back to Azian Zero

• For Chanukah from my family I got a framed drawing of my dog wearing sunglasses. Because this will go great on my walls along side my Ali/Liston picture, Reservoir Dogs movie poster, Guns N' Roses at the Whisky sign and a 2006 calender still hanging because I like Ms. December. They just don't seem to see why my expression was WTF?!??! -EPS

• Luckily, I was given cash this holiday season. The Female Smoot? Not so lucky. For her trip to Israel, my grandmother gave her a fanny pack and a diary. Neither of us had the heart to explain blogs or fashion trends to her. -I Party With Smoot

• My family has a gift exchange where we're not supposed to exceed $20 on the gift we buy. I was lucky enough this year to receive a Bath and Body Works bag that had a six-pack of socks, a six-pack of toilet paper and a pack of
Jack Link's beef jerky in it. Merry Fucking Christmas to me. -Levi

• This was a particularly terrible year for me, gift-giving wise. I have no money, so I had to "treat" my family to gifts of $10 or under. Two of those were $10 gift cards at Barnes and Noble, which I'm pretty sure charges $45 for a day calendar. My girlfriend of two months was no exception: a cheap collection of Oscar Wilde plays and a CD. Final cost? $9.73. I felt good. When she comes over on Christmas, the first thing she does is hand me a bag with four boxes in what appears to be a giant wad of tissue paper. "It's all for you," she says. Just as I'm starting to feel like kind of a jerk, I remove the tissue paper to find a $20 bottle of Jameson. One gift out of her five to me was worth twice as much as both of mine. That's the bad news. The good news is I'm hung over and in love. -TheDerridaDrop