Every Lonely Man Will Call This Poor Girl Tonight Except Zane JohnsonS

Well, this young woman will probably rethink this decision if she suddenly gets contacted by thousands of horny morons. Hopefully, she didn't use her real number. What's the area code in Tucson anyway?

This girl is trying to offer her services and companionship to Zane Johnson, the University of Arizona's shooting guard, who helped lead his team past UCLA this afternoon, 84-72. Her boy Zane chipped in 11 points including a couple of threes near the end of the half to whip the Wildcat faithful into a frenzy. Hopefully, that performance is enough to motivate him to call her back.

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If you're part of the Lonely Hearts Club tonight and do not have a Red Lobster dinner planned for you and your current partner-in-fondle, you can always hang with Sussman. His NBA Slam Dunk Contest live blog will always bring you chocolate wit and candy heart-filled bingo cards.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin and the nihilistic heroism of Artie Lange.