Perhaps you've seen this amusing email that's been making the rounds, authored by a former college lacrosse player who's looking for a spot on a club team. Well, he's authored another one.
Jesse Painter played for Notre Dame de Namur University, a Div. II school in Belmont, Calif., about three miles from where I live. I may have even seen this guy play, as I am a fan of the butterfly net sport. If so, he didn't make a lasting impression. But he did with a recent email, which he sent to a couple of Bay Area coaches, who then forwarded it on to others. Hilarity ensued. An excerpt:
Hey my name is Jesse Painter I have been trying to get onto a Mens Lax team for a while now that I recently graduated NDNU last Spring. You probably don't want any young guns on your team but I am telling you I can probably out sprint any player on your team and can hit top cheese on the run everytime.
The "top cheese" email has become rather famous, and now Mr. Painter has responded to all the commotion. He sent another email to the site BroBible, defending the first one. He begins this way:
I will reply if you take that mug off of me and show a regular lacrosse picture on the site. heres a suitible one.
BroBible complies. Painter responds:
I had played against these club teams before in college and smoked them, so really there was no envy to start things off. I was just looking for a suitable team full of guys who might want some younger players. It seemed like maybe they would because I had even seen some highschool players have a game or two with them. It turns out 6 months earlier I had been seriously trying to contact the so called "team managers" on their homepage and by email and I received no response. After a few emails and months later I was at a standstill because no one would give me the time of day. This led me to become a bit fired up and frustrated with these guys so I knew I had to make a statement.
Those who know me, understand that I am a guy who doesn't care about what anyone says or thinks about me. I make jokes, pull pranks and will say anything on my mind, even if it pisses someone off. So here I am sitting at my desk with the fire in my belly I felt before each game itching to get on the field and do some damage on the opposing team. I thought, hey why not throw out some bullshit email to show these Dukes why they should have let me play for them. I didn't know if they would take it serious or just throw it in the spam folder so I was like what the hell. I decided to mess with them a little bit, throw in some rants, toss out some names, & make them think I was the biggest & best shit they ever flushed down the toilet. Which basically worked (on Mr. Matty Fields along with his compadres, the Marin Lax Squad). Thanks Matty, with your help this shit spread faster than the "Leaked Beat Up Rhianna Facial Photo." Before you knew it people were trying to hit me up and figure out if I really thought I was that good or if I'm some loser trying to make a name for myself. The answer is no I am not either of those people, I'm just a guy who loves playing lacrosse because I get to hack peoples shins, throw bows, and chuck a ball at peoples faces standing in front of the net. However, I still do manage to hit top cheese whether you like it or not.
Whether you're a guy who loves to hack peoples shins, throw bows, or just hit top cheese despite all the doubters, you have to appreciate this. Jesse, however, doesn't actually mention scoring goals, which he did only six times his senior season. (Correction: 24 goals, which was third-best on the team. Go Argos!).