Which Team's Fans Have The Most Trouble With Erectile Dysfunction?

This is a new weekly column from Leitch. It has words, and pictures. It's called Ten Humans Of The Week. It might or might not work. But here it is.

Today's piece of fun, courtesy of The Awl (more on that site in a bit) and The Atlantic Monthly ... it turns out that there's one more great reason to make fun of Yankees fans: They have a more difficult time sustaining an erection than you do.

And it's not their fault! It's all the secondhand smoke! (Or something.)

There's no way that ED cases are five times higher among Yankees fans than the general public, but baseball's aging population combined with the stress and smoking factors inherent to New York might make it especially prevalent among its home fans. With that in mind, maybe Levitra et al should spend a little more on stadium sponsoring and less on commercial ads, if only to give life to the "Earth Dissection" fib.

I have to say, of all the potential insults that could come down at Fenway Park this weekend -- and there are so, so many -- the HARD STATISTICAL EVIDENCE that Yankees fans have a hard time keeping boners would have to be pretty high up the list. Here is what I encourage The Atlantic Monthly to do: I want a power poll. (So to speak.) I want to know, based on the factors they're looking at here, which sports team's fans can keep their erections, and which can't.

I work from certain basic assumptions:

*** Redskins fans' penises are painted and dressed like elderly women.
*** Cleveland fans keep erections until they very, very end ... and then lose them.
*** Philadelphia fans boo their own penis even when it's working.
*** Detroit fans' penises are rotting and decrepit ... but they're still proud of them.
*** Packers fans' penises have ... you know, I was going to make a cheese joke here but changed my mind.
*** Oakland and San Francisco are equally proficient at keeping erections.
*** Mets fans are better than Yankees fans.
*** White Sox fans are better than Cubs fans.
*** Cardinals fans are better than Cubs fans.
*** Everyone's better than Cubs fans.

Come on! Play along! It's fun!