A good portion of Americans join softball leagues this time of the year. Many do it for the social aspect alone, which leaves many teams stockpiled with players who are ridiculously awful.
Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to firstname.lastname@example.org. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.
Because 16 Inches Is Just Too Much To Handle
As a sub for my cousin's 12-inch team a few summers ago, I came across a sharp grounder off the bat of a large, black man. I had it read until a conveniently-placed rock decided my face was looking far too pretty.I stick to 16-inch now; besides, it's more fun. If anything, the chicks dug the black eye, which I had for about six months during my senior year of college at Tony Romo U.
Sometimes You Feel Like A...
I play in a beer league, neighborhood, slow pitch softball league. I was in left center, when the batter hit a hard line drive. I go flying towards it and right as I am about to dive for it, I realize that I have misjudged it and it is hooking toward me. But it is too late and I end up getting my glove past it as it hooks straight into my nuts. It caught the tip of the frank, but the brunt of it was on my left bean. The end result was me writhing in pain for the next few minutes. I stayed in the game and about 2 innings later I am on first. The guy up after me is a lefty who hits absolute pills. He hits one right at me about nut high. All I could do was turn away from it and it hit me on my thigh. Had I not turned, it would have hit me right in the nuts again. I now have a swollen nut and huge softball shaped welt on my thigh. Despite all this I went 5-5 and we won, but the beers after were much needed.
Put Some Tussin On It
After playing years of softball in either long pants or high socks to salvage skin when sliding, I suddenly got the bright idea in our Boston softball league that just wearing shorts would be fine. Bad choice...
This Story Could Really Use A Picture
What up...So about 6 years ago I'm playing with a bunch of older guys (50's) in an older league (I was 24 at the time) and I'm on 1st with the bases loaded when the oldest guy on the team comes up to bat (lefty) and proceeds to hit a floater JUST over the 2nd baseman's head. Base hit right? All runners move up right? Nope. I knew who was hitting so just before the pitch he hit was thrown I scoped the outfielders out to see where they were and sure enough they moved in…ALOT! I was sorta in no man's land when the ball was hit thinking that the 2nd baseman would catch it so not wanting to get doubled off of 1st (the old guys would never let me live it down) I only took a step or 2 off…watching the ball the whole way. Yep…he missed it. It went a foot over his glove so I take off! I must have taken only 2 more steps before I could see the right fielder ALREADY coming up with the ball so I'm thinking its gonna be a pretty close play at 2nd if he tries to get me (he was literally 20 feet away from 2nd with the ball) or maybe he'll get greedy and try to get the force at home or 3rd since the other base runners were OLD. Nope – he's going to 2nd. I can see him scooping the ball and lining up his throw to 2nd as I'm running so knowing it's gonna be close I dive head first into 2nd. PING! The guy fires the ball into 2nd JUST as I'm sliding and it pegs me in the back side of my head and ricochets straight toward 3rd base and goes over the bleachers on that side of the field without ever touching the ground. I'm laying on the ground now…right hand on the bag and my left hand trying to push myself up enough to shake the cobwebs off and clear the instant headache I got when I hear a voice ask if "I'm ok" to which I respond "sure". When I looked up to see who asked how I was doing I couldn't tell who it was because both teams had surrounded me on the field so I just put my head back down – spit out the mouthful of chaw I had in and proceeded to try to stand up. When I split my chaw out I heard one guy say – "man that's the weirdest blood I've ever seen" – to which everybody laughed and then that provoked another guy to say – "did you hear how loud that was when it hit his head?" – to which there was more laughter….then as I'm still trying to get up (hand on the bag mind you) I hear someone say "Ummm Yeah…you can take your hand off the base James…you were safe ace". Haha – good one – all that stuff I hear from the guys as I'm collecting myself when finally one last guy says "wow – I can see the stitches from the ball on your head…that's probably not good" (I had a Marine haircut) So I say "yeah yeah – get away from me – I'm fine – leave me alone – play ball!" Next guy up smokes one to left so I'm thankful I get to trot around the bases and was going to score easily - that was until I hit 3rd base and must have had my equilibrium all sorts of off cuz I flaked on stepping flat on the bag and rolled my ankle so I had to crawl home where I was safe by about 2 feet. I never took a picture of my head but you could see the laces from the ball for about 4 days after this happened…oh and I went into shock the same night I got drilled.
Hey, Doug Ludwig — You Fucking Suck
OK, so this isn't a gruesome injury story. But it must be told. Last week we were in the top of the 7th inning down a few runs. I'm on third base, and a rally is on the way. Then, the guy up at the plate for us took the first pitch. OK, cool. Being selective. It was a good pitch, but whatever. Then, the second pitch, probably the prettiest slow-pitch you'll ever see, goes RIGHT BY the batter and falls for strike three (we start with a 1-1 count). I know, hard to believe, but this dude STRUCK OUT LOOKING IN D-LEAGUE SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL IN A CRUCIAL MOMENT. A grown man. Never took the bat off his shoulders. Struck out looking. That's it to the story. But that's as damn gruesome as someone losing an eye or getting hit in the junk with a bat. His name is Doug Ludwig, and I have attached his picture. I hope this makes the cut, because I want to be able to rag on him for this and have official deadspin proof that he did what 99 of 100 people who have ever played softball would castrate themselves for letting happen.
Thanks - Dan in Columbia, MO