A good portion of Americans join softball leagues this time of the year. Many do it for the social aspect alone, which leaves many teams stockpiled with players who are ridiculously awful.
Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to email@example.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.
This Is Why You Shouldn't Wear Sunglasses
It was July 8th, 2008. I don't like softball, I don't play, I wasn't on the team. My friends were short a girl on their co-ed team and begged me to play so they wouldn't have to forfeit. Regretfully, I gave in and said "just this one time, I really don't want to do, but I'll do it." It was my second time around the bases, I was safe at second, turned to look for the ball and the right fielder threw a fast pitch to get me out, the ball hit me centered in my right eye socket and knocked me right over. I had sunglasses on which shattered and caused the stitches. I broke my nose in two places and cracked my orbital floor down the center. I still don't like softball, and will really never play again!
My cousin and I were sitting on the asphalt baseball field in Thompkins Square Park one afternoon smoking a joint. Just as we finished the field filled with a large group of guys warming up for a softball game. They were playing barehand with one of those big mushy balls. Without realizing it we kind of got sucked in and joined the game. We must have been incredibly high because it wasn't until we warmed up for a while and split into teams that we realized we were playing with a bunch of retards. Literally. They weren't completely spastic, but they were definitely a little off. I guess what you call high functioning.
We split up and each of us took one team. The game was pretty good, actually, as the mushy ball and powerful skunk evened the playing field a bit. The best part, though was the bench chatter. I called out "C'mon, just make contact!" to one of my hitters. One of the kids next to me heard that and started repeating it. Again and again. Soon the whole bench picked it up and everyone started yelling it at the hitter. And the next hitter. My team was still yelling for the hitter to "just make contact" when they were playing the field. They made up for any real grasp of the game with their enthusiasm. Later we all had fun when I introduced them to such classics as "Pitcher has a rubber arm" and "Hitter takes the short bus", both of which they chanted enthusiastically.
This Girl's A Gamer
It was the end of the fourth inning and we were tied with the apposing team. I was catcher as always because I am possibly the worst softball player to have ever attempted this game. With ever ball that came my way I would jump out of the way and run to get the rolling ball that passed me. Unfortunately this time there was no moving out of the way. The batter swung and the ball ricocheted of off the bat making a b-line for me face. Not really knowing what had just happened I went, picked up the ball and threw it back to the pitcher and got back in my "catching" stance. At this point I started bleeding from where the stitches had broken the skin above my eyebrow. Everyone was frozen in place by what had just happened and that I was oblivious to it. One of the guys in outfield said that the sound it made when it hit my face was the same as when the ball hit the bat. Although a few advised me to sit out the rest of the game I played until the end. After all I wanted to make sure that I played a part (although minor) in winning. We ended up winning the game along with the championship that night. The next day I ended up going to the ER where I was told that I had a concussion and would need surgery. I am still waiting for my surgery
date (it's not life or death, just a few fractured bones) but they say it will be a 6 hour procedure. At least we won... right?
Stretch Out More Next Time
I handled running from the bar to the softball fields with 2 mins to spare with no problem. Leading off and trying to beat out a throw to first was a bit more of an issue. 4-Days after a pulled hammy attached.