A good portion of Americans join softball leagues this time of the year. Many do it for the social aspect alone, which leaves many teams stockpiled with players who are ridiculously awful
Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to email@example.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.
One For The Thumb
Let me start by saying that I've played and been around the game of baseball almost all 24 years of my life, and I've never sustained anything more than a cut or scratch. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I suffered this injury playing SOFTBALL. You know, the game that out of shape 50+ year olds play in their company's rec-league.
I must've been reminiscing of my glory days playing for a district championship when I laid out for a pop-fly foul and landed awkwardly on my glove hand. I knew right away that my thumb was broke when I couldn't even get the glove back on my hand and there was a noticeable deformity, but of course there was the one asshole on my team that had to chime in, "It just popped out of place, you need to pull it out, I'll do it"...FUCK THAT!
Well, 3 1/2 weeks later and nearly $6k in medical bills- here I am, drugged up on percocets (which btw makes you extremely constipated), 7 titanium screws in my thumb and a cast on my hand for the next 6-8 weeks...asking myself, "WHY THE FUCK WAS I DIVING FOR A FOUL BALL IN A REC SOFTBALL LEAGUE"? I would say that I've learned my lesson.
New Job, New Eye
So I started a new job recently and had my first game with my new company this week. I'm a decent infielder and we needed a shortstop, so I volunteered. Things were going well for a while, made some nice plays in the field, team was winning. Then in the 5th inning, disaster struck. I ranged to my right for a hard hit grounder which thanks to the completely competent groundskeeping operation at Central Park took a bad hop and nail me right in the eye (Yes, I'm throwing the city of NY under the bus here...I'm like the Omar Vizquel of corporate softball, there's no way it was my fault).
My only regret is that I didn't get a picture with the Daffy Duck band-aid that we had to get from the Little League game going on at the adjacent field. Well, actually, I also regret getting hit in the face with a ball, that kind of sucked.
The Good News Is...Vicodin Sex Is Awesome
So about a month ago, my team was playing in our 3rd game of the season. We were 1-1 so far and I was having a pretty good season so far so I invited my girlfriend and buddy to watch the game. Even better, my house is about 2 minutes from the field we play on so my mom came to watch the game too. It's the top of the 2nd inning and I'm playing right-center field. A guy on the other team crushes a ball to straight-away center field. I start taking off towards the fence because I know it's either going to be a homerun or right at the fence. I briefly look ahead and see the fence, which is about a 3-foot high chain-link fence (pretty standard for rec softball). What happened next can only be described as sheer stupidity combined with unbelievably dumb instincts. I can tell that the ball is barely going to clear the fence. Unfortunately I didn't have the time to position myself by the fence to try and jump and snag it, so, on the run, I hurdle the fence while looking up at the ball in an attempt to catch it. I came up just a few feet short of catching it. But, because I was looking up at the ball while mid-air instead of looking at the ground, I didn't see that there was a small hill right behind the fence. So, my left leg landed softly on flat ground, while my right leg (fully extended) landed on the incline of the hill. Immediately, I feel a snap in my right knee. As I could still walk (albeit with a limp), I thought I might have just sprained or dislocated my knee. However, within about 15 seconds, it started throbbing and swelling up. Turns out that I completely tore my ACL. The best part is what happened after the injury. They don't stop the game…don't even pause it. My team just throws another outfielder out there and the game keeps going. Even better, is that my mom (after seeing me go down in pain) drives her car out past the outfield and helps me into the car to take me back to my house.
Alright, You're Just A Pussy
Not grotesque, but stings like a mofo.
So, our "All World Shortstop" in our Co-Ed Social league was out of town for some bachelor party mayhem, so I filled in. Not only am I still recovering from getting a golf cart flipped on me, I did this to myself Sunday. I dove for a ball to my right and was gonna pull a nice sliding stop with a flip to third for the out. Not only was the ball out of my reach, I also jacked up my leg. I went off the field and gave it a nice tending to by pouring ice cold Bud Light on it and went back out for the rest of the game. This picture was taken after the beer bath and garden hose when I got home.
Even Wiffle Ball Can Be Injurious
Full speed collision, going for a fly ball during an intense wiffleball game. Neither one of us caught the ball. Went to the ER, diagnosed me with a sprained knee. Apprently they don't know how to read x-rays in Philadelphia, because when I got back to NY and got it checked out, I also had a fracture in my tibia. On crutches/wheelchair for 4 to 6 weeks.