Kobe Bryant's one win away from winning his first post-Shaq NBA title, which will effectively end all The Kobe Hate. For history's sake, then, perhaps it's time to revisit a certain 57-page transcript released just less than five years ago.

Turns out, all of that did, in fact, happen. Which Kobe readily admits a few pages later. Not a good start.

This Detective Loya is not going to stand for someone who doesn't remember the syllabus from middle school health.

To be fair, Vail, Colorado is a great place. Who wouldn't love it?

The NBA: Where quick happens.

Enter: guns. Where did they come from?

Because in the middle of asking a man if he sexually assaulted a hotel worker, it's important to get priorities straight. Detective Winters is just trying to get a heads-up for his fantasy basketball squad.

All the money in the world, and just one shirt to show for it.

Just another example of the absurdity of athlete autographs.

The highlight of the transcript. The pacing, the character development, the kicker — it's almost like this is a bad documentary about Kobe that will replay on ESPN for months.

"...in my opinion [inaudible] pants [inaudible]." Have fun with that.

First, sex-ed. Then Murphy's Law. Detectives doing work.

Send an email to Ben Cohen, the author of this post, at ben@deadspin.com.