Kobe Bryant's one win away from winning his first post-Shaq NBA title, which will effectively end all The Kobe Hate. For history's sake, then, perhaps it's time to revisit a certain 57-page transcript released just less than five years ago.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

Turns out, all of that did, in fact, happen. Which Kobe readily admits a few pages later. Not a good start.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

This Detective Loya is not going to stand for someone who doesn't remember the syllabus from middle school health.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

To be fair, Vail, Colorado is a great place. Who wouldn't love it?

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

The NBA: Where quick happens.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

Enter: guns. Where did they come from?

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

Because in the middle of asking a man if he sexually assaulted a hotel worker, it's important to get priorities straight. Detective Winters is just trying to get a heads-up for his fantasy basketball squad.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

All the money in the world, and just one shirt to show for it.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

Just another example of the absurdity of athlete autographs.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

The highlight of the transcript. The pacing, the character development, the kicker — it's almost like this is a bad documentary about Kobe that will replay on ESPN for months.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

"...in my opinion [inaudible] pants [inaudible]." Have fun with that.

Revisiting The Long, Unhappy Police Interview Of Kobe Bean BryantS

First, sex-ed. Then Murphy's Law. Detectives doing work.