The Superstars Loses Its Superstar

By now you've certainly seen the video of Joanna Krupa going all Terrell Owens on....Terrell Owens (language NSFW), but if you didn't actually watch "The Superstars" last night than you must hate Americana and apple pie, baby.

Granted, it wasn't like watching Joe Frazier trying to swim, but it was loads of fun watching Robert Horry attempt to ride a bicycle made for someone half his size. Kudos to ABC for making an athletic competition that somehow makes everyone look un-athletic. Here's a brief recap for the TV impaired.

The show began with 8 teams—one athlete paired with a reasonably attractive celebrity. The big surprise of the first episode is that Dan Cortese (paired with Lisa Leslie) has apparently changed the pronunciation of his name to "Dan Cor-TAY-zay," with that extra Italian flourish. The first event was a crazy walk/bike race where both players had to complete a one-mile road course with only one bike between the two of them. Maksim Chmerkovskiy doesn't know how to ride a bike! Poor Jennifer Capriati ends up running the entire course, because she lost her team's bike. Brandy Chastain and Julio Iglesias Jr. quickly establish themselves as the team to beat.

The team with the greatest sexual tension is, of course, Ali Landry and Jeff Kent. She makes sure to mention that she just had a baby so that he doesn't get any ideas, even though he already has, because who wouldn't?

Round two: A kayak relay-race. John Saunders—clearly along for a free trip to the Bahamas—works his heart out on the play-by-play, constantly marveling at how bad Terrell Owens is at this game. Skier Kristi Leskinen decides to just hit people in the face with her paddle and her team wins. At the end of the two events, Jeff/Ali and T.O./Joanna square off in rubber match kayak race to see who falls into the elimination round. Owens, shockingly, keeps falling out of the boat and his team loses—leading to the aborted post-race press conference above where Joanna plays the part of an arrogant wide receiver who is getting the ball enough perfectly.

Now it's time for the incredibly lame obstacle course that isn't nearly as exciting as the commercials for Wipeout airing during the same show. It's become clear that tall people are at an extreme disadvantage in this contest, as Owens, Robert Horry and Leslie Leslie all get their long legs caught in the cargo net for extended periods of time. The Leslie/Cortaysay team end up battling the T.O./Krupa squad in a loser-goes home finale—that T.O. somehow loses, leading to Joanna's expletive filled tirade. He really is bad at this game! Saunders can't believe it!

Neither can ABC's producers, I'm sure, who just saw their one actual superstar bounced from the first round. They must have thought it was quite a coup to land an actual living athlete on their game show, but now they will have to soldier on without him. I'm reasonably certain, however, that T.O. threw the whole thing because he hated his partner and realized about ten seconds into the first day that he is way above this nonsense. (He isn't, but still.)

I am not, however, and will continue these recaps until every team is eliminated or my mind is literally blown away by a vuvuzela. Agony of defeat, etc.

Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.

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