The Superstars was only an hour this week! (Stupid Michael Jackson tributes.) But could they pack 90 minutes of excitement into just one tiny action-packed primetime block? Who likes missed lay-ups?

If you'll recall, Robert Horry and Estella Warren were booted last week, which was perfect timing, because this week the contestants got to play basketball! I hope no one wanted to see Big Shot Rob show off his one marketable skill. But more on that later. First ... swimming!

Julio Iglesias Jr. is like a fish. He got stuck with the slowest swimming partner in Brandi Chastain, but motored past everyone in the 100-meter or so water dash to save second place for his team. Kristi Leskinen and Maksim Chmerkovskiy won this event easily, because they are the only team where at least one partner is not constantly tripping over their own feet. As long as they stick to contests that don't involve any real sports skill, there's no way they don't win this thing. So hey, let's play some hoops!

Remember, one person left actually gets paid to shoot basketballs for a living, so you would think said person would have a distinct advantage in a Rock-n-Jock style shoot-around. You know what happens when you assume?

Look, everyone picks on the WNBA, but ... can you really blame everyone? Lisa Leslie, former league MVP, clanged about 10 jumpshots in a minute and her team failed miserably in the only sport that any of these "superstars" actually plays. If they'd some how rigged up a downhill skiing contest and Bode Miller lost, wouldn't he be embarrassed too? This is not a good commercial for your fundamentally sound league.

(Tangent: Speaking of commericals, did you see the spots for "Dating In The Dark"? People go on literal blind dates, making out with strangers in a pitch-black room, in order to prove that everyone on Earth is a superficial a-hole. It's gold, Jerry.)

So Brandi and Julio won the day, and even started this weird kiss on the cheek ritual, because that's what the son of Julio Iglesias does. Terrell Owens and Bode Miller have mastered the obstacle course—and it really is a lame obstacle course—so their teams managed to stay alive. That left Lisa Leslie/David Chavret and Jeff Kent/Ali Landry in the final obstacle course relay. In the same way that the Lisa was not an advertisement for the WNBA's fundamentals, Jeff Kent is not advertisement for baseball's calisthenics regimen. He got smoked by a fake lifeguard and he and Ali ended up going home.

But I think they learned a lot about themselves and the power of Ali's sports bras.

The Superstars [ABC]