Why Your Team Sucks: Houston Texans

Some people are fans of the Houston Texans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Houston Texans. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. They still haven't told everyone to go fuck themselves. If you recall, it was everyone – you, me, your gay uncle, your biological dad who now lives in Haiti – who cruelly mocked the Texans for drafting defensive end Mario Williams first overall in 2006 instead of Vince Young or Reggie Bush. Even Chuck Klosterman stopped listening to Ratt records in an ironically sincere manner to pile on, busting out the ALL CAPS…

REGGIE BUSH IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TACKLE. HE IS WAY, WAY BETTER THAN ALL OF THE OTHER DUDES WHO ARE ELIGIBLE TO BE DRAFTED. WHEN REGGIE BUSH IS RUNNING WITH THE FOOTBALL, THOSE ATTEMPTING TO KNOCK HIM TO THE GROUND CANNOT SEEM TO DO SO. THIS QUALITY IS ADVANTAGEOUS WITHIN THE GAME OF FOOTBALL, AS THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE TOTALITY OF THE SPORT.

Obviously, this decision is wolf-face crazy. It's the kind of decision you make when you are drunk, and on cocaine, and on deadline, and on fire. It's going to define the future of the Houston franchise, and it will potentially wreck it (at least for a decade).

There's a very special feeling you get when you make the correct decision about something when everyone else has gone the other way. This is particularly prevalent in sports. If you bet on one team no one is picking, and they win, you get that smug, Simmonsesque sense of self-satisfaction, the kind that makes you feel entitled to be a real asshole for at least three days. But the Texans have yet to rub everyone's face in it. They just maintain a completely professional levelheadedness with regards to the whole thing. And that's gay. If I were Bob McNair, I'd call a press conference every week. Then I'd say, "Hey, you guys remember when you made fun of us for taking Mario Williams?" Then I'd take my dick out.

2. They gave this guy $2.4 million guaranteed.

3. They still don't give a shit about fielding a decent o-line. Fun fact: In the entire history of the franchise, the Texans have used a first or second round pick on an offensive lineman exactly twice, and only once in the past six years. Last year, the Texans gave up 32 sacks, and that was the second lowest tally in team history. Wonder why Matt Schaub gets hurt so often?

4. Their 3rd string quarterback is…

Ooh, I like this Andre Johnson fella. He lets me go deep. Way deep. Fucking shoulder-in-your-asshole deep. You think being buried behind Matt Schaub and end zone boy is gonna keep the fucking dragon from being unleashed? You got another thing coming. And that other thing coming will be your vagina, coming all over your hot pants. Book it. THE SEX CANNON LOVES HIMSELF SOME HUMID TEXAS PUSSY.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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