Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Jorge Posada? More like Jorge Pissedoffa, amirite? The Yanks' catcher sparks a bench-clearing brawl with the Blue Jays. Pitcher Jesse Carlson suffered a pretty nasty head wound, making this the worst day of casualties in the history of Canadian wars.
•Bills scapegoat Leodis McKelvin woke up to find painted on his lawn: "learn to take a knee, [obscenity]" As of press time it was still there, since while trying to bring the paint thinner out from the garage, he dropped it.
•They say pitchers are never the same after they come back from shoulder fatigue. In the case of Dice-K, they're right; he looked nothing like the pitcher he was before the injury. He was actually good.
•Was Kim Clijsters cheating by having that baby? Studies show that mothers have higher pain thresholds, and better oxygen flow to the muscles. It's one competitive advantage Caster Semenya will never have.
•Roger Goodell says two Saints won't be suspended as long as the courts are still considering the cases of the Vikings who tested positive for the same banned substance. So, NFLers, now's the time to take whatever you want, and not get punished it. Kind of like always.
•Golden State's Stephen Jackson was fined $25,000 by the league for saying he'd like to be traded to Cleveland, New York, or one of the Texas teams. That's the standard $15k fine for publicly wishing to be traded, and $10k for actually wanting to go to the Knicks.
•Finally, Jon Stewart attempts to lure LeBron James to New York with the promise of Shake Shack. Well, the custard is just as likely to pass him the ball as Nate Robinson.