Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Fed up with the Ducks' — and LeGarrette Blount's — performance on opening night, one Oregon alumnus sent coach Chip Kelly an invoice for his ticket and travel expenses. He received a personal check from Kelly for $439. Getting a refund for an awful product? I hope Jerry Jones has $1.3 billion in his checking account.
•Do you know there are 1-year-old children who've never seen the Yankees make the playoffs? New York rectified that, clinching at least a wild card spot with a 6-5 win in Anaheim. And if Derek Jeter is so valuable to his team, why couldn't he will them to the playoffs last year without Sabathia and Teixeira?
•The dreaded swine flu is running rampant through Gainesville; six more Gator players and an assistant coach have come down with H1N1. Expect Tebow to lay his hands on them, and cast the disease out into a herd of pigs, who drown themselves in the Galilee.
•Zack Greinke shut down the Red Sox, and somehow lowered his ERA. Anyone who says he doesn't deserve the Cy Young should be dragged out into the street and shot. He's never going to have a chance to win anything ever again.
•Curt Schilling announced on "Joe Buck Live" that he won't run for Massachusetts' vacant Senate seat. Expect him to show up on election day with a bloody petition that puts him on the ballot.
•Perhaps after seeing Kim Clijsters win the US Open, former no. 1 Justine Henin will be making her return to tennis. She's missing something though. If only she had read every single goddamn article about Clijsters she would know that having a baby during her time off was a key component of her comeback.
•Thanks to SportsbyBrooks for bringing this to our attention: in America, crazy drunken fans run across the field. In Canada, they climb the goalposts. I believe that's called a rouge and is worth 2½ points.