I'm an expert in self-gratification. I've been doing it for over two decades now, and it's the only pursuit in which I possess a modicum (cum!) of skill. I'm so adept at jacking it that I barely even notice when I'm doing it anymore. It's an involuntary reflex. Sometimes, I have to double check and make sure I'm not actually doing it, lest I'm in a public setting. This horny Kraut knows what I'm talking about. It's as normal an everyday function as breathing now. Only sexier!
Every man keeps a mental journal of his own masturbatory feats. His personal best for number of times in a day (seven). The oddest place he's managed to pull it off (middle of 8th grade math class, pants on and buttoned). And such and such. But there's one skill category in the Quarterwhack Challenge that, for no good reason, I never bothered to attempt: SPEED.
When you have a wife and kids, you have to be quick on the draw. There's not much time to yourself if you're a family man, so if you can steal a couple minutes in the shitter to work with, you better be able to act fast. And I can. I can still sneak in a solid two square a day. My secret? Sheer will, and a hitch-free stroke. So today, I decided to see just how fast I can get my daily jack out of the way. I set a few ground rules beforehand, and here they are:
1. Start from 100% flaccidity
2. No porn at hand. ALL IMAGINATION!
3. No self-fluffing prior to starting the clock
4. No sexy thoughts prior to starting the clock
5. Lotion and/or spittle allowed
6. No breaks
I set a stopwatch on the toilet tank, got to work, and 59 seconds later, I was done. You'll just have to take my word on that time. You don't want visual evidence of that. But I give you my word. Under a minute. BEAT THAT, YOU LITTLE WHACKRASCALS.
This site was built upon masturbation. Carl Monday. Mike Cooper. Weintraub (NOTE: all Weintraub jerking off literary in nature). And now, continuing in that spirit, I challenge YOU, Deadspin reader, to beat (beat!) 59 seconds. Child's play, you say? You try it with a stopwatch eyeing your every move. Pressure can kill a man. Email me and lemme know. Then we'll see who's truly THE GRAND WIZARD OF HITCHHIKING UNDER THE BIG TOP.
Let's go to the letters.
Who is going to be the first boner in the media that makes his case for Favre being MVP? You know it is coming...
He'll show up on King's ballot next week if the Vikings win, and I'm certain one of the NFL Live guys will toss it in there sometime this week. And you know damn well Gruden and Jaws will bring up the idea sometime during Monday night's telecast. Speaking of which…
When are Jaws and Chucky going to throw down in the MNF booth? They're getting closer every week.
They seem to get along just fine to me. I thought I liked Gruden in the booth when he first started. I was wrong. Gruden's getting to be really fucking annoying. Here are two actual quotes from him last night:
On Delhomme: "Jake Delhomme leads the league in grit."
On Romo: "This guy's a PLAYER!"
The cheerleading for the QB's was fucking out of control. Both analysts blamed Muhsin Muhammad for Jake's first pick of the game, which is insane. Delhomme tried to hit the fucking video board with that pass. Even if Muhammad turned the right way, it was still a shitty pass. And Jaws' "I'm a professional broadcaster!" voice grates after a while. Just talk like a normal fucking person, Jaws.
Is it ever acceptable to actually root for a team you hate to miss the playoffs more/harder than you root for your team to make the playoffs? Not that your or my rooting changes the results of anything, but do you think it is healthy to hope for someone else's failure more than your own success?
I hope it's acceptable, because it's the foundation of everything I do as a football fan. I'd trade in a potential Vikings Super Bowl ring for a fucking grease fire destroying all of Lambeau Field any day of the week.
I think it's healthy to hate in sports because it's the safest outlet for it. That's why sports exist. It's a haven for you to unleash every petty, irrational emotion you've ever had: hate, jealousy, greed, etc. Outside of sports, open displays of such emotions make you a douche. But at the bar on Sunday? That just makes you PASSIONATE. And awesome.
And yes, I root for failure outside of sports as well, but only in instances where everyone else does as well. I hope Goldman Sachs folds, so I can read weepy NYT stories about dickhead bankers having to cut back on Tuscan vacations, filling me with a black, raging ire I never knew I had.
I also hope Jay Leno tanks. Did you see him mock Conan's head injury last night? What a cock.
One thing that without fail always makes me feel better is to go on to message boards for teams I hate after they lose. I love to read the sky is falling posts and the inevitable infighting among posters that losing creates. I don't post myself. I just sit back and take it all in. My wife says this is very shallow and is probably bringing bad karma on my teams. Please confirm that there is nothing wrong with me enjoying a little internet schadenfreude.
Again, perfectly acceptable AND encouraged. Look at this post from a Skins fan after they lost to Detroit on Sunday:
"Today I cried. I just think they have given up on Zorn and yes it sounds silly but true"
AHAHAHAHA. It's funny because he's a BITCH!
It's also fun to watch fans squabble amongst one another after a bad loss, with Pollyanna fans bitching out naysayers for giving up on the team and what not. One Skins message board dude predicted the team would still make the playoffs. What an idiot. Mocking his stupid prediction makes me feel like a big man.
12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich:
My brother's kid is turning 1 next month. What kinda toys and crap work for kids about the age of 1? We're talking somewhat educational (my brother won't teach her anything), however not incredibly annoying because they live with my folks.
Books. Just get the litter fucker some books. They're cheap, and the kid's parents will approve. Plus, they don't make noise. Well, some of them make noise. NEVER buy a kid's book that makes sounds. They're worse than ass herpes.
I know you do (or did) more print ad work at the 9-to-5 (right?) but I wonder: What makes bad ads bad? And great ads great?
The general rule in TV ad production is: Tits, monkeys, dogs, and babies (only if they don't talk). Preferably all four. The only ads that fail even while deploying tits are those fucking Danica ads for GoDaddy.com. "Hey, go online to see the rest of our shitty ad, which has no nudity of any sort!"
You seem like a gentleman who likes organized violence that has built in beer drinking. Thoughts on Rugby?
I played for a couple years. Everyone who plays rugby is very cool, and enjoys drinking. But man, that is NOT a fucking fun game to play. You run as much as you would in soccer, you have to wear tight shorts and grease your ears, and you have to group together tightly with other men to help advance the ball forward if you aren't fast enough to be a back (I was not). I played second row. At that position, you spend an hour of every rugby game with two guys' asses on your shoulders and your head between their legs. Not that fun.
NOTE: The above paragraph does not apply to sevens rugby. Sevens rugby is fucking AWESOME.
In my life I have had terrible luck with buying football jerseys. A lifelong Giants fan, it seems like every time I buy a player's jersey they almost immediately get hurt. For instance, in grade school I bought a Jason Sehorn jersey, and he got hurt on a preseason kick return. In college, to spite my friend who is a Redskins fan, I bought a Lavar Arrington jersey when we signed him. He appeared in 4 games before blowing out his ACL and never playing again. A year later, I bought a Jeremy Shockey jersey. I literally wore it for the first time ever the game that he broke his leg, went on the IR and got traded to the Saints a few months later. Finally, this past Sunday watching the Giants-Cowboys game I was debating - just thinking about whether I should buy a Justin Tuck or Kenny Phillips jersey, and now I find out Tuck hurt his shoulder and Phillips is out for the season. (This is nowhere near as bad luck as my aforementioned friend, who bought a Sean Taylor jersey, and yeah... we all know how that turned out.) But it gets worse - I was talking to my Dad about this and he reminded me that the first football jersey I ever owned was a Phil Simms jersey he bought me when I was 3, in 1990, the same year Simms went down and Jeff Hostetler led us to the super bowl (yes, I know two of these years we ended up winning the Super Bowl anyway, which just makes this all the more confusing because maybe its not bad luck? Fuck me.)
Anyway, I wanted your advice on this. Should I a) never buy another jersey ever again, b) ignore this as it is coincidence, or c) go out and buy Tony Romo and Donovan McNabb jerseys at the beginning of every season (I would name a Redskin as well, but there is no need to add injury to SUCK.)
BUY AN ANKIEL JERSEY. BUY EVERY CARDINAL JERSEY OUT THERE. DO IT. YOU KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, FUCKO.
In each of your three Jambaroo columns so far, you've failed to write even a one sentence blurb about the Chiefs and whoever they played. Did they run over your dog or something?
No, but Haley's working on that.
They just played the Eagles in Vick's first game back as well. You couldn't even manage a snippet about his affinity for hanging puppies or something like that you lazy sack of cow piss?
That's tough but fair. The Chiefs are putrid, Haley is a cock, Larry Johnson is somehow even MORE worthless than in year's past, AND Whitlock just gave Scott Pioli the nickname EGOli. Get it? He took the word "ego" and then made a delicious, oozing pumpkin of a pun out of it. Straight from the Mariotti Institute Of Stupid Nicknames For Use By Sarcastic Local Sports Columnists (see: Romo, Phony).
Firecrackers should be the gametime snack of the week sometime. Ingredients are crackers, peanut butter and weed. You put them all together and put them in the oven for like 15 minutes. They are delicious (not really) and get you really high, and watching the NFL high is better than watching it not high.
Just whole buds of weed? That sounds like shit. Here's a recipe for grinding weed and making pot extract for cooking. Mmmm… brown.
I'm no connoisseur of glasses, but I must say, I'm impressed with Duralex. Sadly, their production is on hiatus.
What? THAT'S BULLSHIT.
Of course, I had to read more, and some shitty translation of a page:
"Duralex International France, which has long fueled canteens and French communities in glasses, plates, bowls and others, was yesterday placed under court receivership with further activity by the Commercial Court of Orleans.
"The information gathered indicates that the company is unable to meet its liabilities and is in a state of insolvency. It is therefore necessary to initiate liquidation with further activity until 25 July," said court.
"I think that means bankruptcy. So hang on to those Duralex glasses. They may be worth something someday. Kind of like a non-gay Fiestaware. By the way, the enamel in that "classic" has lead in it. Don't feed your kids off it.
How could I get rid of Duralex glasses even if I wanted to? The fuckers never break. You could nuke France and all that would be left are those glasses and all the douchebag pipes.
Do you think Plaxico will be raped in prison? Does being famous make prison rape more or less likely? Maybe Plax would be like a trophy prison rape for some inmate. I could even imagine a small gang forming for the sole purpose of raping Plax. But at the same time, maybe some of the guards are Giants fan who will look out for him for winning the Super Bowl.
I say he rapes himself by accident. And no, famous people don't get raped in prison because most of them are sequestered from the general population specifically because they'd be targeted. I think. If I were an inmate there, I'd definitely give it a shot. There's definitely a lucrative rape pool for that ass.
You said Crack the Skye is the best album of the decade, what would your 5 best albums of this decade be?
I shouldn't have said "best" because that implies I think my opinion is somehow definitive, and that's a douche move that Uff is always calling me on (I did it in the Louis CK post too). I'll just say it was my favorite. I know Leitch pointed it out a while back, but I too just realized we're reaching the end of the decade, and that a slew of retrospectives and lists await us in November and December. A lot of people will say this decade sucked, what with the wars and economic ruin and all that. I say this was the decade we got porn on our phones, and that makes it the best decade of all. I'd rather live in this decade than any that came before it. Here were my five favorite albums from the past ten years:
1. Crack the Skye, Mastodon
2. Songs for The Deaf, Queens
3. In Rainbows, Radiohead
4. A vs. Monkey Kong, A
5. Boys And Girls In America, The Hold Steady
I also liked Rubber Factory (Black Keys), I Get Wet (Andrew WK), Now Here Is Nowhere (Secret Machines), the last Metallica album, and The Rising (Springsteen). Gimme yours. We'll make this a little music exchange. Delightful!
Just wondering if you noticed that Josh Vick, QB, UNH, made his debut this weekend and now has a 221 passer rating. I just pray that this young man can clear his name after those cow-tipping allegations.
What's that you say? You don't follow the CAA conference?
I do now!
Why is your wedding ring on your right hand? Are you a Cake Eating, Friend of Nancy?
It's not. Mac Photo Booth always takes pictures as mirror images, and I was too lazy to flip it in Photoshop. Waiting for any goddamn Adobe Creative Suite app to open takes years off of my life. Ever open InDesign? SPINNING WHEEL, GOT TO GO ROUND…
This weekend I will be turning 30 and as if that weren't bad enough, I have a very good Jewish friend who refuses to buy me a gift. The reason I am telling you about this is because it's really all your fault. I couple months ago, you wrote this article where you specified which events were okay and not okay for giving gifts. My friend specifically points to "Best friend turns some horrible age like 40" to justify him Jewing me out of a 30th Birthday gift. You see, my friend already turned 30 a couple years ago thus he does not see it as being "some horrible age", and since 40 is the only age specified in your list, he doesn't feel like he owes me a gift. I think he's just being Jewish. Could you please clear this up? Also, could we get Nazi Shark to weigh in on this? I think he could have some valuable insight.
You're turning 30? Big fucking deal. No one cares. Have your friend buy you a drink, you goddamn anti-Semite. Rolf says you're a bitch. Right, Rolf?
"Demanding a pricey gift? Who the real Jew here?"