AL Central Tie-Breaker: Tigers vs. Twins

Well, I'm stuck here watching this game on a Tuesday afternoon (5:07? Really?) so I might as well describe it to you in pithy chronological outbursts. Nothing helps the sting of your team's season fading away like a live blog

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That was ... something. The Tigers sure know how to lose big. Credit to the Twins for their comebacks—all of them—and good luck getting to Yankee Stadium on time tomorrow. What a fucking game. I'm out of gas. On the bright side, no one will be hitting me with a cookie sheet anytime soon.

Oh, and the moral of the story? Never volunteer to live blog anything. Ever again.

Post-Game Music Selection:
"Baby, I'm A Star" by Prince. (as interpreted by eight-year-olds.
Alternate Music Selection: What else?

FINAL: Twins 6, Tigers 5, 12 innings

9:46: It's over. Casilla dribbles one to right. Kelly is no where near it and Gomez scores easily.

9:44: Cuddyer grounds to third. Inge makes a nifty play to get the out, but runner moves into scoring position. Delmon Young will be walked to get to Casilla.

9:41: Rodney is still going. Base hit by Gomez starts the 12th.

BOTTOM of the TWELFTH

9:38: Laird strikes out. Sad trombone.

9:35: Gerald Laird again comes to the plate in a clutch situation.

9:34: Giant chopper to second. Punto comes home and gets the force. Still tied. Bases still loaded. Two outs.

9:32: Chip Carey likes the term "fisted" to describe hits near the hands. Just sayin'

9:32: Inge is nearly hit by the first pitch (his baggy shirt was grazed) but the ump will have nothing of it. Worth a shot.

9:30: Rayburn intentionally walked. Inge hits with the bases loaded.

9:28: Don Muthafuckin' Kelly! Single to left center, the OF throws to third so Kelly advances to second. Cabrera on third. Still one out.

9:26: Miguel Cabrera draws a walk. I'm out of police/drunk jokes.

9:23: Clete Thomas—who subbed for Magglio Ordonez as a defensive replacement and has not had a ball hit anywhere near him—lines out to Gomez.

TOP of the TWEVTEHAVHA

8:19: Joe Mauer comes up hacking. Quick ground out to second and the game keeps going. Can some one bring me a sandwich?

9:18: And surprise! Cabrera strikes out looking. Any other game of the year and he gets run.

9:17: Orlando Cabrera picks an excellent time to complain about the strike zone. Sheesh.

9:15: See Ryan Rayburn. That's how you make a ridiculous diving catch. (Now don't ever do it again, Granderson!)

BOTTOM of the ELEVENTH

9:12: Bobby Keppel is the eighth Twins pitcher tonight and he gets Polanco to line out to second. That might be it.

9:09: Curtis Granderson strikes out. Mahay takes a seat. Hey, we paid for the pitchers we're going to use them!

9:06: It's Ron Mahay!

9:04: Adam Everett is out! K. Pitching change.

9:04: P.S. How happy are the Yankees, right now?

9:03: Adam Everett is up!

TOP of the ELEVENTH. Twins 5 - Tigers 5

9:01: Ryan Rayburn redeems himself. Catches a shallow fly ball from Punto and then guns down Alexi Casilla at the plate on the tag up. Inning over.

9:00: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

8:57: Chopper up the middle evades Polanco. Cuddyer scores. Runners at the corners.

8:56: Tigers looking for double play.

8:55: Harris walks and Rodney throws like a madman. Conference time.

8:52: Young chops one to short. Not enough to score the run. 1 out.

8:51: Ryan Rayburn makes one of the all-time bone head plays, trying to dive for a shoe string catch. The ball gets past him all the way to the wall and Cuddyer has a lead off triple. Unbelievable.

8:49: Rodney vs. Cuddyer, Young and Harris

BOTTOM of the TENTH. Score: Tigers 5 - Twins 4

8:46: Laird grounds out again. Inning over. One more chance for Minnesota.

8:46: Inge laces a double to left and "Wheels" Kelly comes all the way around to score. 5-4 Tigers. Wow.

8:43: Rayburn takes a big swing at strike three. Two outs.

8:40: Aubrey Huff pinch hits and gets hit. Knicked on the lower leg—thank you, bell bottoms!—and he takes his base. Don Kelly pinch runs.

8:38: Jesse Crain replaces Nathan and gets Miguel Cabrera to ground to short. Cuddyer saves a wild throw by Orlando C. and makes the tag. (Updates fast and furious now.)

TOP of the TENTH
Musical Suggestion: "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne

8:35: Gomez grounds to Everett at short. Extra innings. Wow.

8:35: BTW, Carlos Gomez is now hitting where Kubel was.

8:34: Mauer is walked. Amazing play by Inge to nail Cabrera at first and keep the runner on second.

8:33: Brandon Inge makes a miracle stop to save the game! Robs Cabrera of a potential game winning hit. Mauer will almost certainly be walked.

8:31: Pitching change. Fernando Rodney coming in.

8:30: Span sacrifices. Punto to second. One out. Cabrera up, Mauer on deck.

8:29: Punto walks. Season-winning run on board.

8:27: Ok. I'm going to attempt to be professional and put that aside for now. Punto working on the 10th pitch of his at bat.

8:26: Come on, TBS. Not one serviceable replay of Granderson getting doubled off first? Seriously?

BOTTOM of the NINTH

8:24: Give me another minute here.

8:23: Ummmm.

8:19: Gulp. Polanco strikes out on a VERY inside slider. ohhhhhh

8:15: Granderson apparently owns Joe Nathan. HUUUGE hit to right. 1st and 3rd. No outs.

8:12: HOLY COW, RAMON SANTIAGO. A bunt single off Joe Nathan? TASTE THE GRIT!

TOP of the NINTH Score: Twins 4, Tigers 4
Musical Suggestion: "Burning Heart" by Survivor

8:09: Lyon gets a big strikeout. And ... I'm spent.

8:07: Two big chopping grounders and Lyon has two outs. I must have been imagining that screeching noise and smell of burnt rubber.

BOTTOM of the EIGHTH

8:02: Laird definitely pulled something trying to layoff that cutter. Yes, he's very out.

7:59: Nathan is in and he takes care of Inge easily. Two down. And Laird is up.... sigh.

7:57: Just another thought. Is Craig Sager still there? Has he made even one "sideline" report since the first inning?

7:54: Ryan Rayburn battling ... battling ... and walk. 1st and 2nd, 1 out. Pitching change.

7:48: A walk to Guillen (after Cabrera's ground out) brings a visit from the pitching coach. And NOW Joe Nathan is warming up. (Shakes head slowly...)

7:46: "Like the great City of Detroit, don't count out these Tigers." Do the Tigers also get a standing 42-year count?

7:43: I swear I wrote that last sentence before Magglio Ordonez ripped a game-tying home run. Honest!

7:42: Just a thought. The Tigers have their three, four and five hitters coming up. It's the eighth inning, but wouldn't it make sense for the Twins to bring their closer in now? I know that's thinking drastically outside the box, but.....

TOP of the EIGHTH. Score: Twins 4, Tigers 3
Musical Suggestion: "Burning Down The House" by Talking Heads

7:40: Lyon gets Cuddyer to surrender with a weak dribbler. Inning over.

7:37: Kuble skies one to Granderson. Two outs and Ni is done. Now Brandon Lyon will do ... what, exactly? I'm sure that rattling noise was just something in the road. I wouldn't worry about it.

7:35: Miner is finally asked to leave the building. Fu-Te Ni will try something now.

7:32: Mauer singles. Does that lug nut look loose to you?

7:30: Orlando Freakin' Cabrera ... of all people ... two-run home run. Twins lead. And he still has to deal with Joe Mauer.

7:28: Twins decide not to play small ball with Denard Span ... and he strikes out. Did Gardenhire lose The Book?

7:27: Miner faces Punto in an epic at bat. Yes, really. Lead off single.

BOTTOM of the SEVENTH

MIDDLE of the SEVENTH
Musical Suggestion: "Take Me Out To The Ball Game"

7:20: Polanco grounds weekly to short. It took four pitchers but the Twins escape with no further damage. Someone please open a window or something.

7:15: Granderson battles a full count then rips a single to right. 1st and 3rd with two outs for Polanco. Mijares is gone. Matt Guerrier is in.

7:11: Rauch gets his two outs and sits. Granderson will face Jose Mijares. (Confidential to Ben: Walk over to Leitch's desk and ask him. I hear he's got pull over there.)

7:09: Jon Rauch replaces Baker and tricks Gerald Laird into a botched bunt flyout. He's the goat. Even if they win.

7:07: Inge battles for a lead off walk and Baker is chased.

Speaking of existential crises, Ben Mathis-Lilley of NY Mag writes to say that MLB.tv has turned his life into a Kafka short story. The man just wants to watch a baseball game at work and instead he gets incomprehensible camera angles and more Ron Darling than should be allowed. The horror.....

TOP of the SEVENTH. Score: Tigers 3 - Twins 2
Musical Selection: "Fever" by Peggy Lee

7:00: Tolbert cranks one to center but Granderson pulls it in. Bullet dodged. This time. The Tigers' unpredictable bullpen turns every at bat from here on out into an existential crisis.

6:58: Oh Zach. Brendan Harris pinch hits and doesn't even get the bat off his shoulder before getting plunked. Bases loaded for Matt Tolbert.

6:57: Huge bloop of a base hit for Delmon Young. Runners at the corners. 2 out. Please keep your hands and feet inside the car.

6:54: In the first true high-pressure at bat of the game, Procello walks Cuddyer and immediately gets pulled by Jim Leyland. What a performance for a 20-year-old rookie, though.

Zach Miner will replace him. Here we go.....

6:49: The rookie rings up Mauer and just when you think Porcello has the answer ... Jason Kubel changes the question. Upper deck home run. 3-2.

6:47: Eight in a row retired by Porcello. Can he make it once around with Mauer?

BOTTOM of the SIXTH:

6:44: MORE POPUPS! Baker works his way through the inning quickly. I should probably move up my dinner reservation.

6:43: Cabrera starts the inning by not hurting anyone. A mixed blessing?

TOP of the SIXTH. Score: Tigers 3 - Twins 1
Musical Suggestion: "Hair of the Dog" by Nazareth

6:39: Cheer up, Dave! Your team is ahead!

AL Central Tie-Breaker: Tigers vs. Twins

6:37: Strikeout. Groundout. Porcello's is cruising now. He's younger than Ralph Branca! Or something.

BOTTOM of the FIFTH

6:33: And then the inning ends. How many jobs did that cost the D?

6:32: Yes! It took five innings, but we finally got our first "what would this mean to the City of Detroit" discussion. I knew Chip and Ron wouldn't let me down. Of course, they could not provide an actual answer to that question, because you can't build trucks out of baseballs.

6:30: A hit! (Polanco to center.) That's something fun!

6:30: Another pop up. This time to Cuddyer. Two down. (Don't mention the football game, don't mention the football game....)

6:27: Santiago is out on a fly ball behind third. The pace of the game has slowed down a bit, which is unfortunate because Righteous Rick was my only anecdote.

TOP of the FIFTH. Score: Tigers 3 - Twins 1
Musical Suggestion: "Higher and Higher" by Jackie Wilson

6:24: Flyout to second, followed by another strikeout of Morales.

6:21: Cuddyer is Procello's fifth strikeout of the game. He's looking very sharp, but how many pitches does he have in him? Once we get to the Tiger bullpen, all bets are off.

6:19: Did Leitch call me a Clarabell this morning? What does that even mean?

BOTTOM of the FOURTH, Score: Tigers 3 - Twins 1

6:17: 5-4-3 double play for Gerald Laird, despite a very hard slide by Rayburn. The catcher is not doing well.

6:15: Brandon Inge pops out to first. One down. Still haven't seen a bunt, which would blow Joe Morgan's mind if he was actually watching this game.

6:12: Bob Keppel is warming up for the Twins. It's safe to say these guys are on very short leashes.

6:11: Another hit for Rayburn starts the fourth. Why does Ron Gardenhire always look like he'd rather be driving a tractor somewhere?

TOP of the FOURTH Musical Suggestion: "Alex Chilton" by The Replacements

6:07: Mauer walks. Zach Miner starts warming up, but Kubel fans on a fastball. We've got a game.

AL Central Tie-Breaker: Tigers vs. Twins

6:03: Or maybe Mauer can just stand there. Procello's pick off throw bounces off the first base coach and Tolbert scores from third. 3-1.

6:01: Cabrera files out to right, but deep enough to for Tolbert to tag and reach third. Now it's all up to Mauer.

5:59: Porcello sits down Nick Punto, but Span singles. 1st and 2nd with 1 out for Orlando Cabrera. Mauer on deck.

5:56: Inge saves extra bases with a great diving stop, but Matt Tolbert reaches on an infield single. He's like Minnesota's version of the Rally Monkey.

BOTTOM of the THIRD

5:52: Baker gets Guillen swinging to get out of the inning. There's a lot of baseball left, so let's not lose our heads, people.

5:50: Wow. Maybe Miguel Cabrera should get arrested more often. A towering two-run jack gives Detroit a 3-0 lead.

5:49: A deafening silence at the Metrodome, says Chip Carey. Maybe that's because he's wearing headphones?

AL Central Tie-Breaker: Tigers vs. Twins

5:47: MAGGLIO! Base hit to right center brings in Granderson. 1-0 Tigers.

5:45: Granderson narrowly avoids getting doubled up at second base, but can't break up the throw to first that gets Polanco. Runner at second, two outs.

5:41: Santiago flies out to center, followed by a Granderson walk. By the way, remember Rick, the Henry Rollins look-alike who de-pantsed a handsy Detroit Lions fan? Apparently, he's become a "minor celebrity" on Detroit talk radio and is now known as "Righteous Rick." I'm not making that up.

TOP of the THIRD Musical Suggestion: "The Ballad of El Goodo" by Big Star

5:37: Jose Morales gets mowed down on three pitches before I can tell you that Delmon Young got mowed down on four. We might get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.

5:35: Cuddyer grounds out to third to start the inning. Three ground ball out for Porcello. Why isn't the turf helping Minnesota more?

BOTTOM of the SECOND

5:31: Shockingly, Gerald Laird also fails to deliver. Pops out behind to shall left and the threat is shut down. What have we learned so far?

5:30: Inge hits a laser (not really, more like a masse shot) to short, but Cabrera snares it and nobody is going anywhere.

5:27: A Texas leaguer from Ryan Rayburn puts runners at the corners with one out. Baker is dancing around Brandon Inge, believe it or not.

5:26: Carlos Guillen fails to move the runner. NEEDS MORE SMALL BALL!

5:24: Tipsy McStagger jumps all over the 1-2 pitch (double to the gap) and the Tigers are business.

TOP of the SECOND Musical Suggestion: "Fooled Around and Fell In Love" by Elvin Bishop

5:20: Kubel gets handcuffed and flies weakly to short. CRISIS AVERTED!

5:19: Mauer breaks up the no-hitter with a shot in the gap and than Jeters it into a double. But is that real leadership?

5:17: Denard Span starts things off with a groundout to first. Orlando Cabrera answers with a grounder to short. I'm having trouble picking up whatever frequency Ron Darling is using.

5:14: I guess George Lopez is TBS's new workhorse. I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss Caliendo.

BOTTOM of the FIRST

5:12: Magglio Ordonez had his $18 million contract resolved "favorably." Yes, that's one way to put it. 0-1 is another. F-9.

5:10: Holy cow! Fans in the upper deck. How can they leave this place? (That's a strikeout of Polanco. Two down.)

5:09: Baker works Curtis Granderson into a pop out to start the game. Woe betide the Motor City!

TOP OF THE FIRST

5:07: Nice purple blazer, Sager! Did you join the Revolution you, biased homer sell out?! Why I ... Oh right.

This is actually the second year in a row that I've live blogged a divisional tie-breaker involving the Twins so that officially makes it a tradition! So many memories ... so many exclamation points! Anyway! The Tigers have been in first place since May 10 and led by as many as seven a month ago. Yet here we are. Tied in Game 163. The Twins just kept plugging along, playing better and better, but just flawed enough to not win outright. They're led by the probable AL MVP and the Tigers have this drunk guy. Again, they're basically even.

The Tigers send rookie Rick Porcello and the Twins counter with Scott Baker. Oh, and it's on TBS if you can remember where that is on your cable system. I hope Frank TV is on later!

Pre-Game Musical Suggestion: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones