A Children's Treasury Of Rick Reilly®'s Heat-Related Similes

Rick Reilly®, who yesterday brought word that Colt McCoy's girlfriend is "hotter than shrimp vindaloo," has long shown a fondness for thermodynamic analogy. We've collected a few examples, with helpful visual accompaniment.

Hot object: Rachel Glandorf, Colt McCoy's girlfriend
Object of lesser hotness: shrimp vindaloo
Quote: "It's not the perfect crib for a guy who has a girlfriend hotter than shrimp vindaloo, Rachel Glandorf."

Hot object: Paris Hilton
Object of lesser hotness: flapjack skillet
Quote: "You, Mr. Perfect Stubble, USC Star, First-Round-Pick Quarterback, just checked into the Paris Hilton. Miss Millionheiress Man-eater Paris Hilton, that is. You're dating her. Guess she graded out well on film, huh? You're going there even though you know this girl is hotter than a flapjack skillet but twice as shallow."

Hot object: anonymous basketball shooter
Object of lesser hotness: $3 pistol
Quote: "One shooter was 'hotter than a $3 pistol!'"

Hot object: imaginary college basketball player
Object of lesser hotness: $3 pistol
Quote: "Why say, 'I really was shooting well today' when you could say, 'I was hotter than a three-dollar pistol.'"

Hot object: Rick Reilly
Object of lesser hotness: $3 pistol
Quote: "Heyyyyyy," [Jack] Nicholson says [to Reilly] in his renowned street-corner drawl. "Babe, you're hotter than a three-dollar pistol."

Hot object: Rick Reilly, via fictional narrator
Object of lesser hotness: $6 pistol
Quote: "I was hotter than a $6 pistol."

Hot object: Tiger Woods
Object of lesser hotness: $6 pistol
Quote: "No, the coolest thing about the Tiger Woods streak was that when he was hotter than a six-dollar pistol, in a publicity boiler, he kept a promise he'd made to a junior high school buddy three months before and let him caddie in San Diego."

Hot object: Joe Montana
Object of lesser hotness: Tampa asphalt
Quote: "[Steve DeBerg] came out flat, and Montana came out hotter than Tampa asphalt."

Hot object: Vlade Divac's remote control
Object of lesser hotness: skillet
Quote: "Everybody else on the Kings has long been out cold, but Divac's remote control is hotter than a skillet, hungry for any news from his native Serbia."

Hot object: full-length wool coat
Object of lesser hotness: Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant
Quote: "I'm sitting in the pressbox of a fake Chicago stadium that's really in Greenville, SC, which is why 480 extras are sweating their spleens out wearing full-length wool coats when it's 85 degrees out. And I can relate, because I'm in the same hotter-than-Chernobyl get-up myself."

Hot object: Ian Baker-Finch's putter
Object of lesser hotness: charcoal starter
Quote: "The man they call the Sparrow (Finch, get it?) left himself a 13-foot putt for birdie on the 2nd hole on Sunday. He made it. Ten feet on the 3rd hole. Made it. Seven feet on the 4th. Made it. Six feet on the 6th. Made it. Fifteen feet on the 7th. Made it. His putter was hotter than a charcoal starter."

Hot object: Barcelona
Object of lesser hotness: summer car seats
Quote: "Then I left to watch archery, which is like sitting in the Superdome watching two guys in the middle of the field play cribbage. You can't see the arrows. Even the archers look through a telescope to see how they've done. Plus, it was hotter than summer car seats. Skip this one."

Hot object: Fred Couples
Object of lesser hotness: Naugahyde seats in a Bonneville convertible parked too long at the Texas State Fair
Quote: "O.K., O.K., so Couples had been hotter than Naugahyde seats in a Bonneville convertible parked too long at the Texas State Fair."

Hot object: girl at pancake place
Object of equal hotness: lava
Quote: "Now if TiVo could just bring this technology to real life. Roommate giving you long-winded recap of his Liza Minnelli dream? Fast-forward. Pop quiz in trig? Pause. Lava-hot girl just licked her lips at you at the pancake place? Save and replay at 2 a.m."

Send an email to Tommy Craggs, the author of this post, at craggs@deadspin.com.

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