Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•If he's going to bang his way through Hollywood, why not try a little acting? Derek Jeter has a cameo as a homeless man in the new Will Ferrell movie.

•Holy shit. I don't ever want to see the Bears on national TV ever again (not that I get the NFL Network, but you get the idea). Jay Cutler passed the ball to 12 different players; five of them on the 49ers.

•Maybe Jamal Lewis had a point about Browns practices being too rough? DE Keith Grennan ruptured a patellar tendon during yet another one of Eric Mangini's "opportunity drills." If the point of these optional practices is to give players the opportunity to prove to coaches that their knees won't explode, Grennan failed to impress.

•Joe Namath's yellow Lab was declared dangerous and must be muzzled, after it attacked a UPS driver and a nurse. Expect Joe to be running the wildcat offense for his retirement community's recreational period football team soon.

•Cam Ward will miss a month of action after having his leg sliced by a skate blade. Want the only proof you need that players aren't as tough as they used to be? Clint Malarchuk was back in goal a week later.

•An eighth grader was suspended for shaving Bengals stripes into his hair. The school claims it violates their code of conduct on hairstyles, but I think his real crime is being a Bengals fan.

•Tired of the flowchart meme yet? Too bad, because here's a really good one for NHL suspensions.

•Finally, because it's sweeping the Interwebs, it's the Dock Ellis LSD No-Hitter. In cartoon form!

Send an email to Barry Petchesky, the author of this post, at barryp@deadspin.com.