It's been my experience in life that, while men are more likely to bitch about the institution of marriage, it's WOMEN who more often end up regretting getting hitched.
It's practically a ritual these days to be skeptical about marriage if you're a guy. You hear comedians and columnists and God knows who else bitching about being tied to one woman, yearning to be free to drink and ogle ass as they please. Almost all of that is an exaggeration. I may goof on being married from time to time, but I'd rather be chopped in half with a machete than NOT be married to my wife. That would be horrible and shitty.
But women. How many women do you know that rushed into getting married because all their friends were all getting married at the same time, only to later find out that their husband is actually kind of a dipshit? Because all guys are conditioned to be skeptical about marriage, because we're trained to be reluctant about the whole enterprise, we're 21% choosier about whom we end up marrying. I just made that stat up. It felt right. All of my wife's friends are married. Only half of mine are. Sure, I only have two friends, but I'm not letting that stand in the way of my gross generalization.
Some women, in their haste, end up getting the short end of the marrying stick. I don't want that happening to you, female Deadspin readers. I don't want you screwing up your life by accidentally marrying Daulerio. I don't want you suffering from Betty Draper Syndrome, wherein your husband gets to go to work and go out to dinner and travel and fuck around and have fun while you sit at home seething for 23 hours a day with the kids, hating and resenting your man in equal measure. I've seen it happen. Here now, are ten questions you should ask ANY man before you agree to marrying his hairy, sweaty ass.
1. "Do you want definitively want children?"
You'd be shocked at how many people get married without agreeing on the kid question. You are a fucking idiot, man or woman, if you get married without resolving this issue. And if you want kids, ladies, make sure your guy answers YES without qualifications. None of this, "I think so," shit. Tie that fucker down and make him give you a proper answer.
2. "Do you want multiple children?'
Same deal. If you have one kid, you don't have children. You have a pet. One child is NOTHING. After two kids, all final child tallies can be negotiated WHILE married. But not the second kid.
3. "Do you want a dog?'
Because if you want one and he doesn't, he will end up wanting to choke that thing to fucking death.
4. "Will you help with the kids?"
Will you change the diapers, and feed them, and mouthrape them with the toothbrush before bed every night?
5. "No, I mean it. WILL YOU FUCKING HELP WITH THESE KIDS?"
That means getting up at night to feed them if you bottle feed, and changing the sheets when the diaper leaks, and putting together the crib, and all that shit. I've got parenting magazines lying around all over the place, and every issue has some article featuring confidential gripes from women about all the ways their husbands are negligent scumbags. "He was so nice when we first got married, but now he won't do ANYTHING!" These deadbeats are ruining it for the rest of us husbandfolk. FUCKERS. Gonna spend your life with a guy? Make sure he will get his ass out of bed at night for the fucking kid. Especially if he works an office job during the day. Office jobs are a cakewalk compared to staying at home with a kid, or worse, working during the day and then taking care of the kid at night all by yourself because you're husband doesn't want to help. Make sure the fucker will help. Make him sign a fucking waiver if you have to. Unless he works in a coal mine during the day, he's got the energy.
6. "Have you had any major dental work done?"
Is your fiance gonna need 10 new bridges for $2,000 a pop in the next decade? Jesus, that blows. That means your kid will have retarded teeth you have to pay to fix, too. That's drinking money! In fact, check his entire medical history and his family's medical history. Have all his male relatives died before the age of 45? THEN HE WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP WITH THOSE FUCKING KIDS.
7. "If you don't bother me about frequency of intercourse, I'll look the other way with regards to your Fuck Yeah Tumblr habit. Fair?"
It's fair, for you men out there. Take the deal.
8. "Will you have sex with other people?"
Because that would be bad.
9. "Are you still doing cocaine?"
No? He's lying! CHECK INSIDE HIS SPEAKERS!
10. "Do you lose more than $500 a year gambling?"
When I first got married, my wife and I were thinking about combining bank accounts. I asked my father-in-law if it was a good idea to keep separate bank accounts. "Sure," he said, "If you want to get divorced." Indeed. Make sure that fucker is financially transparent. You don't want him gambling your shit away, or hiding thousands in an escrow account he can easily access once he's fled to the Caymans with the nanny.
We men are not such bad people, ladies. But you have to vet our asses before you agree to spending the rest of your life with us. It's not our fault if you elected to marry us before you realized we like drinking before 8AM every day. You have no one to blame but yourself. Do your homework. Or else, you'll end up in divorce court, staring daggers at Norm Chad from across the room. DON'T MARRY A JACKASS.