Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
No time to waste. It's the best weekend of the NFL season. Here come the picks…
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And, like every year, I switch to PICKING the games. Because why the fuck not.
Vikings 34, Cowboys 14: I know the Vikings sucked against Arizona, Carolina, and in the first half against Chicago. But since that second half against the Bears, they seem to have regained the form of their first dozen games, with Favre throwing accurately and the pass rush getting to the QB again (What's that? The Giants laid down so that last game was a mirage? Well, yes. But it was such a nice mirage. Who am I to resist?). I think the Vikes will use Jim Kleinsasser to help chip off of Ware and give enough time to Favre to let him have a good passing day. THAT IS HARDCORE, INSIGHTFUL FOOTBALL ANALYSIS THAT IS IN NO WAY TAINTED BY MY AFFECTION FOR THE HOME TEAM.
Also, as a Vikes fan, I can tell you that whenever the team has a particularly good regular season, they tend to save their playoff chokes for later on, when they're even more painful and humiliating. I also think Dallas is just happy to have won a playoff game again, and will fold with everyone picking them this week. NFC title game bed-shitting, here we come!
By the way, during the Philly game, Eagles center Nick Cole snapped the ball into his own ass. That was awesome.
Cardinals 28, Saints 20: Holy shit, '99 Warner crushed the Packers defense, and now he gets the 26th ranked pass defense in the league. And he's retiring at the end of this season. Fuck picking against THAT guy. No way. I'm not picking against the Cardinals until '99 Warner is lashed, crucified, buried, resurrected, dead again, and dead for another 2,000 years. The man is not to be fucked with.
Speaking of Warner, I noticed Leitch reference this tweet from FreeDarko about Kurt Warner, in which Bethlehem Shoals says of Warner:
Sort of feel bad for walking away from that AZ/GB shootout, but Warner scores don't move me. I know what he's thinking.
I know Shoals and like him and his book, but this is the biggest steaming load of pretentious bullshit I've ever read. I hate everything about that tweet. It's like someone from Pitchfork reviewed a football game. Oh, I was too cool to watch the end of a kickass football game! I DO NOT LIKE THE AESTHETICS OF A PARTICULAR PLAYER! I WEAR KNIT CAPS TO BARS! Stupid NBA hipster bloggers. THEY KNOW NOTHING.
Colts 19, Ravens 16: I went to the gym the other day to work out. After I was finished exercising, I went to go take a shower in the locker room. I walked into the shower, turned it on, and started going about my business. And then I looked down at the tile on the floor. And there it was: a small, white blob. I redirected the showerhead to wash the blob down, but it stuck to the tile like a Wacky Wall Crawler. Only one kind of blobby fluid sticks to bathroom tile like that. Someone had clearly jizzed in my shower.
You listen to me, public masturbators of the world. I sympathize with your cause and support you 100%. Sometimes, a man is in a gym shower and has to do what he has to do. But for the love of God, CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKING SKEET. That's just common courtesy. What kind of monster jizzes on a public shower floor and then leaves it there for another man to step in? THAT IS WRONG. I am sickened by this. Any solid citizen knows to clean up his skeet by using the shower head on it and/or manually moving the skeet to the drain with his big toe, seeing it stick in the drain a bit, and then hitting the drain directly with the showerhead flow to get all the cummy webbing out. That's what you do for your fellow man if you're making shower babies in public. Don't leave your cockloogies just laying around for others, you bastards.
AND DON'T JACK IT IN THE STEAM ROOM! I KNOW WHY YOU'RE IN THERE ALL ALONE, GUY WHO SPENDS WAYYYY TOO MUCH TIME IN THE STEAM ROOM EVERY DAY.
Onto the Colts. I think the Colts win and the Ravens cover. Because… I don't know. Whatever. Anyway, it's been a colder than average winter here in the mid-Atlantic, and my oldest kid is finally old enough to know how to make and shape snowballs. And it got me thinking the other day as I let her pelt the shit out of me with snowballs… I wonder which NFL quarterback I would select first to join my side in a group snowball fight. Every massive snowball fight from my youth featured at least one kid in the neighborhood who possessed a cannon for an arm and absolutely no sense of mercy. I'm talking coldblooded fucking ASSASSINS. You see them go the other team, and you just know you're five minutes away from having your glasses shattered by an iceball with gravel packed inside of it.
A snowball ringer needs to have a strong, accurate arm. But he also needs to be able to have touch, to get all those little shits who pussy out and hide behind snow forts for the duration of the fight (it's why Rivers is #5 on this list). Above all else, he has to be a remorseless prick. I think these would be my top five QBs for a group snowball fight:
1. Peyton Manning
2. Ben Roethlisberger
3. Michael Vick
4. Brett Favre
5. Philip Rivers
If Favre were fifteen years younger, I'd take him first. Manning can make all the throws, and would be able to accurately judge the trajectory needed to nail a kid who was running away from him at top speed. And Manning has enough of a dickish side to him to want to hurt very small children without hesitation, if his SNL United Way ad was any indication. (NOTE: It was not. It was just a sketch.)
Big Ben is good on the run, AND he's a cock. I bet he has a BB gun and shoots it out his bedroom window at kids riding bikes down his street. Vick is horribly inaccurate, but he preys on the weak and the innocent. I could see him nailing a kid in the nose, breaking the nose, drawing blood, and causing the kid to instantly burst into tears. Then I could see him laughing, because he's still a fucker.
There's no spot on here for the Rex Grossman. But I bet the Sex Cannon would be dangerous with a compacted lump of street slush in his hand.
Chargers 42, Jets 7: What is this "Undercover Boss" shit? Is that really what CBS is airing after the Super Bowl? The most precious slot for launching a new series, and they use it on showing the Kellogg's CEO helping to move pallets of Raisin Bran? Whoa hey, turns out Mr. Blue Collar over there is none other than THE Bob Randall! He's slumming it for a day! ISN'T THAT KRAYZEE?! Retarded. And since I have nothing to add about this game, here's more random bullshit:
-Ever have a bird wake you up at five in the morning? I swear, the other day, I was dead asleep when some asshole bird perched outside my window and started chirping loud as shit at 5AM. I will buy a gun so I can shoot this bird if it pulls this shit again. NATURE IS THE ENEMY OF MY SEXY DREAMS.
-The new McDonald's Mac Snack Wrap is completely disturbing. For some reason, seeing a hamburger patty in a wrap just feels wildly inappropriate. It's not any fresher tasting just because you rolled it in a 700 calorie tortilla, McDonald's. I know your game.
-From Paris With Love looks like easily the gayest movie of the new decade. You have John Travolta running around with a bald head, a scarf, and an earring, blowing shit up. They should have called it URBAN PIRATE. I see that trailer, and all I can think it "BEAR WITH BAZOOKA! BEAR WITH BAZOOKA!" That movie is gonna play awesomely in the Castro district.
-There needs to be a Tumblr site of attractive women holding a pair of glasses while licking one of the temples of the glasses.
-Did anyone catch the busty skank pimping the Football Zone V Cast for Verizon on FOX last week? That girl looked like she could suck primer paint off of a wall.
-Last weekend I wore a baseball hat all day without showering. Whenever I do this, I end up having agonizing pain in my scalp. Even when I loosen it. That‘s one of the dangers of hat head they don't really tell you about. Sometimes, hat head is legitimately fucking painful.
-Cleatus the FOX Robot spent the interstitial last week flexing his muscles. YOU STUPID FUCKING ROBOT. YOU'RE A ROBOT. YOU HAVE NO MUSCLE TISSUE. STOP THIS MADNESS.
-I get very agitated when refs call to bring the chains out to measure when it's obvious that the ball is well short of the sticks. They do this far too often. Dude, the ball is a fucking yard away. I can see it from here, and I'm drunk. You don't need to measure to make double sure. It's short. Stop doing that.
2010 Playoff Picks Record So Far: 2-2 (2-2 vs. the spread)
A Special Note To NBC
Now, I work for NBC, so I need to phrase this as delicately as possible. Dear NBC, FUCKING CHOKE.
You fucking assholes. I go to watch my first playoff game of the year last weekend and who is in the fucking booth? Joe Theismann and Joe Gibbs. WHAT IN THE LIVING NAME OF FUCK. I was not warned about this. No one gave me a heads up. I would have liked a red banner going across the middle of the screen during your telecast WARNING people that Theismann was fucking doing the game. "CAUTION: YOU ARE ENTERING TARDVILLE! POPULATION: THEISMANN!" I would have rather had Jay Leno and Carson Daly in the booth. I really would have. Joe Gibbs spent the entire telecast daydreaming about racing cars in front of cousinfuckers in North Florida, while Theismann just sat there and NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP. We were rid of that asshole ages ago, NBC. AND WE WERE PLEASED WITH THIS DEVELOPMENT.
Now, the play-by-play guy for this game was Tom Hammond. Tom Hammond looks like Liberace's corpse at this point, but whatever. That's fine. I have no issue with Tom Hammond. Last year, he did the Falcons-Cards playoff game, and Collinsworth was the analyst. Collinsworth has since moved up, obviously (ASIDE: In HD, Collinsworth's hands look like they belong to an eighty-year-old. It's disturbing. Very wrinkly and papery skin.). But surely, there were better alternatives out there than two guys who gave the telecast the feel of fucking Redskins postgame call-in show. Shit, use Pat Haden. What do I care? Anybody but Joey LegSnap and Jesus Magoo.
Assholes. Can't you do anything right? First, you boldly "reinvent" TV by giving Jay Leno a piece of shit show at 10PM, then you promise to give him two years to make it work, then you bail out when your affiliates bitch, WHICH ALREADY YOU KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO DO, then you fuck over Conan seventy different ways to try and solve the problem YOU created. Hey! I know! WHY NOT GIVE THEISMANN HIS OWN LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW?! He'll do it for five dollars! Think of the thrift! TV WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!
Random FKS-Style Tidbit
My eleven-month-old has begun walking. Seeing kids walk for the first time is awesome because they all look like Frankenstein's monster if someone got him shitfaced. TOILET WINE… GOOOOOOD!!!
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Down On The Floor," by A. Kickass song. But what a horrible name for a band in the era of Internet searches. You may as well not name your band at all. I'm annoyed by bands like A, The Music, The Band, !!!, and all the other bands out there who spent exactly three seconds giving their band the blandest, most search unfriendly name humanly possible.
Embarrassing Song In My iTunes Library That Will Not Fire You Up
"Surfing On A Rocket," by Air. Very French, and very annoying. I'm sure FreeDarko adores them. But kudos to them for the video, which features a hot chick riding on a missile like it's a mechanical bull. It's almost as if they're overcompensating.
Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Aren't Chocolate Cheerios pretty goddamn awesome? Email me any question or observation you like.
Playoff Recipe Of The Week!
It's the playoffs. Time to get cooking. Every week, I'mma post a recipe. This one's for grilled shrimp. Makes a solid pregame appetizer. They sell giant bags of frozen shrimp at most supermarkets, and usually they're all right if you don't want to spend a shitload on the fresh ones. But if you buy a bag of frozen shrimp, make sure you read the bag to make sure they're all split, shelled and deveined. There's nothing worse than buying a bag of shrimp and realizing you forgot to check, then opening the bag and seeing the shrimp are in their shells. Suddenly you have a fucking hour of work ahead of you. And somehow, the shrimp shells manage to stab the shit out of your fingers. Horrible. Anyway, you need…
1 bag frozen shrimp (split, peeled, deveined)
And for the marinade:
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup maple syrup
1 tbsp dijon mustard
3 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp Cajun seasoning
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
Salt and pepper
This marinade also works for chicken if you want. Combine all the marinade ingredients in a bowl and whisk the shit out of it. Set aside. Take the shrimp, empty them into a big colander, and run them under warm water until they've thawed. Add them to the marinade and toss them around in it. Stick them in the fridge to let the tussin soak in for 20 minutes or so. Take them out. Fire up a grill or a grill pan on medium high. Add the shrimp to the grill and cook for only a minute or two on each side, until the shrimp are pink and the marinade has a caramelized look to it. Take off the grill and serve.
Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Shayne Graham. What a turd. There's nothing worse than seeing teams struggle to move the ball, going to great care to painstakingly move the ball down the field, then seeing an asshole like Graham come and ruin the bunny field goal attempt. There needs to be some alternative to the field goal to get a team three points. Perhaps a quick on-field game of Beirut, or something. Anything to prevent as kicker from painfully botching things for everyone.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Cowboys getting 3 points on the road against the Vikings. Did you know there's now a Hitler drinking game? It's all the rage with the kids in England…
Hitler – The Drinking Game, involves students downing drinks as playing cards laid out in the shape of a Swastika are turned over.
Players are required to make Nazi salutes and "interrogate" other players.
There is also a section called The Holocaust where players have to "down in one" a pint glass filled with spirits.
"Fuck you all. I'm enrolling at Huddersfield University."
2009 Nazi Shark Record: 9-8. (1-0 playoffs)
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Devine sends in this story I call WALL STREET 3: POOP NEVER SLEEPS:
I had just exited the stall and was washing my hands when my boss' boss enters the bathroom. He's a proper older man in his early 70s, with a thin, well-groomed mustache; he usually wears a crisp suit, and his leisure wear often includes an ascot. But he also enjoys informing us that he's one of the guys. This day, he chose to do so by smiling wide at the sight of me, greeting me with an odd phrase — "Two great men ascend the throne!" — then entering the same stall I was just in and unleashing a long, thunderous fart, followed immediately by a loud, thick, plop-filled dump. And I mean "immediately." Part of me doubts he actually made it all the way to the bowl. To this day, I find it difficult to look him in the eye.
And this one, from Kiddicus Maximus. I call it, POOP DURHAM.
I was working for a large insurance company that recently bought a baseball field in Cleveland. While employed there, we had (as most offices do, I'd imagine) communal bathrooms. About six urinals and four stalls each. On a particular Friday, after a late Thursday bender, I felt that unmistakable and irresistible urge to drop some weight. I pinched my asscheeks and walked briskly to the shitter, only to find that three of the four were occupied. I have a slight phobia of shitting in public, but this was no ordinary shit so exceptions had to be made.
I dropped trou and positioned myself accordingly only to let out the fattest, loudest, most liquidy shit ever conceived. It felt like I just had a miscarriage through my ass. I employed the standard courtesy flush... this would prove to be a really fucking bad idea. While seated on the toilet during said flush, I failed to take into consideration the sheer amount of solid/liquid shit that had just been expelled from my bowels. Still seated, and trying to squeeze out that last rabbit-turd, I felt the unmistakable sensation of cold, shitty, piss-ridden toilet water hitting my asscheek.
I jumped about two feet straight off the toilet, grabbed my pants and started to zip/button/cinch/getthefuckouttathere. Much to my dismay, the displacement from my shit/liquidshit combo had raised the water level high enough to flood. The bowl spewed forth a mixture of water, shit, piss and the first wipe paper. Needless to say, I got the fuck outta Dodge as fast as I could. Unfortunately for me, I forgot my security badge (hanging over the TP dispenser) so when maintenance came to clean, they knew exactly who it was. I earned the unfortunate nickname of "Shitstorm" for the rest of my tenure there.
Oof. You never live that kind of thing down at work.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Jack Del Rio
Jim Zorn – FIRED!
Jim Mora – FIRED!
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
One thing about the Raiders I love is that while other teams move quickly to fire coaches and find replacements, Al Davis is more than happy to wait a fucking eternity to shitcan whoever's in charge. He was supposed to meet with Tom Cable this week to fire his ass, but has kept putting off the meeting, and putting it off some more. Why? Who knows? He may have forgotten he owned the team for a few days. Regardless, I'm sure he'll get around to firing Cable two months from now, then taking another two months to find a new coach, who at that point will be forced to look for assistant coaches on CraigsList. The Raiders are just so painfully slothful when it comes to these things. They need time to make sure they get it exactly wrong. It's a delight.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Bacon. I haven't eaten red meat since 1996. No steak. No bacon. No pork chops. No eggs benedict. Nothing. Just chicken and fish for the past 14 years. Feel free to call bullshit on me, but I find this fact more embarrassing than anything else. UPDATE: Yeah, yeah. I'm a pussy and half a man. Carry on.
When I was in college, I was 280 lbs. and desperate to lose weight so I could have sex with women, so I consulted a school nutritionist who said I should cut down on red meat and fatty foods and go running more. So I was like FUCK IT. You know what? I'll go one better and never eat red meat AGAIN. So that's what I decided to do. And it worked. I dropped 70+ lbs.
Since then, I've just kept the streak going. I've eaten the turkey alternative of all red meat products: turkey sausage (good), turkey pepperoni (okay), turkey burgers (eh), turkey bacon (horrid), turkey salami (forged in the pits of Hell by Satan). Once a week, I'll have a dream where I'm eating red meat, realize I'm eating red meat and then say to myself in the dream, HEY, YOU'RE EATING RED MEAT, SHITHEAD.
But time has passed, and I'm not really sure exactly why I've kept up this embargo for so long. It made sense back when I was losing weight in college. But I gained most of that weight back. The truth is that I was using not eating red meat as an excuse to eat as much of everything ELSE, which went and made me fat as shit again. Obviously, when it comes to weight loss, what you eat isn't really as important as how much you eat. If you ate a Snickers bar twice a day and nothing else, you'd lose weight. It would be horrible, but you would.
So I'm beginning to seriously reconsider eating red meat again at the end of my Twitter Public Humiliation Diet. It's time. There's no need to live my life without bacon if I don't need to. And I don't. I've spent the past 14 years avoiding red meat because I was afraid it would make me the unwanted fat kid again. But it's not red meat that's responsible for that. It's ME. It's my own lack of self-control. Well, FUCK THAT. I'm taming that shit and going back on the pork and beef train.
The only question now is… after 14 years of not eating red meat, what would be the first thing you ate to break the streak? I'm torn between steak and bacon. So I think you know the answer: bacon-wrapped steak. In a modest portion, of course. But I'm open to any and all other ideas for the red meat reunion.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Koch's Golden Anniversary! Reader Brett writes in:
Back in college, being poor, my friends and I were always on the lookout for cheap beer to pre-party with before going to the campus parties where the rich kids kindly provided booze for us. While searching the hidden depths of the local liquor store one day, we found a dusty box of Koch's Golden Anniversary beer.
We'd never heard of such a thing, but the price was 10 bucks for a case of bottles. That fit right into our budget so we pooled our change and bought it. Imagine our joy, however, when we opened our case and found that it actually contained 24 pint bottles. So we were getting the equivalent of 30 beers for 10 bucks. Outstanding. However, when we pulled them out we noticed that they were very dirty and dusty. Looking closer, we discovered that the brewery was so cheap, it applied glue to the entire bottle, but only put a label on half of the bottle, so that the back of every bottle was covered in dust that had attached itself to the uncovered glue. We found this vaguely disturbing, but not enough to not drink it. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't good, but after we'd chocked down the first couple bottles, we were drunk enough that we didn't mind anymore. After this first experience it became our go-to cheap beer, even though we could never get anyone else to drink it with us because of how bad the bottles looked. Enjoy the playoffs.
God, that looks horrible. Look at the can. It's so… GOLD. It's looks like the old NWA title belt. And what a terrible name for a beer. All I can think of is Ed Koch and his life partner being married 50 years. This looks like the shit they'd bust out for a Lion's Club party.
Robert Evans' Super Bowl MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who will win the Super Bowl MVP. Legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the Super Bowl MVP is Peyton Manning of the Colts!
"The Super Bowl is in Miami this year, and that is Evans' kind of town! Sunny? You bet! Sexy! As all hell! I remember golfing once with Nicholson outside the city once. And this Cuban gal was manning the drink cart on the course. Well, you know Nicholson! He tells this girl to put out for him, or he'll put his cigar out on her! So she obliges and takes him behind the eighth tee for a little pitch and putt!
"Three months later, we find out that girl is none other than Castro's niece, Paola! She defected from Cuba and got a taste of Nicholson to show for it! Outrageous? YOU KNOW IT!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Rams Fans
Public Enemies. My kid totally sold me out this weekend. She was asleep upstairs, so I tossed in this movie and watched it. And all the guns and shit were really loud, so my wife is like, "This isn't too loud, is it?" And I was like, "Nah, they can't hear shit."
Cut to the next day. My kid comes in the bedroom to wake us up.
HER: Was there a war last night?
HER: I heard a war.
ME: You did?
HER: It was very scary.
WIFE: Daddy was watching a movie.
ME: You could hear it?
HER: Yes. I did not like that movie. It was too scary.
WIFE: You see, Dad? I told you it was too loud. We shouldn't get any more movies like that.
HER: Yes, it was too scary. You should watch Max & Ruby instead.
ME: (pouncing on child) BETRAYER! I'LL TEAR YOU APART!
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: That girl from Chuck, Yvonne Strahovski, returns to the Jamboroo because my goodness, she is certainly not unattractive. Chuck can blow me.
-For the gals: More Ryan Reynolds. Someone asked me how much time I spend looking for hot guys for this section. Not much, people. Not much.
Enjoy the games, everyone.