Terrorists Hope To Win Olympic Gold ... For Your MurderS

This is an actual headline on ABCNews.com right now: ""Headed to Olympics? Beware of Terror Attacks." So enjoy the bobsled everyone ... because it will be your last!

In case you've been living in a cave—which is a good sign that you, yourself are a terrorist—the State Department has helpfully pointed out that large international events with heavy crowds and heavier overt symbolism make attractive targets for bloodthirsty terrorists. Don't forget that the Olympic Games have been attacked twice before, so if you have tickets for Vancouver you're kind of an idiot for thinking that you're going to get out of that place alive.

You might also be thinking that the extra security around important venues like the women's figure skating rink or the Olympic Village will make you ultra-safe. Wrong again! They'll just get you at the luge or at a Tim Horton's or in your hotel room. While you're sleeping. Possibly dreaming about loved ones who will remember you fondly. Terrorists can be real jerks.

Keep in mind, there are no specific threats aimed at Vancouver next month—and even if there were, the CIA couldn't tell you about them because what they know would just scare the living crap out of you—but this is just a helpful reminder from your friends at ABC News to always be afraid of everything all the time.

Seriously, though, have fun at the biathlon course and try not to think about the fact that there's a 50-50 chance those bullets are meant for you.

Americans Traveling to Vancouver Olympics Warned of Possible Terror Threats [ABC News]
Novel imagines terror attack during 2010 Olympics [CTV]
Security blanket [Globe and Mail]
Vancouver starting to feel nervous buzz of Games [AFP]