As you know, the Bengals linebacker was arrested this past weekend and now the always fascinating cruiser cam footage is available courtesy of WLWT so the whole world can watch him get baffled by the field sobriety test.
Are they just making these tests more difficult each year? I was pulled over once for not coming to a complete stop at a blinking red light and had to endure this shit parade. I'm, like, officers I scored 800 on my PSATs, just let me suck on a tube or something because I will fail your silly gymnastics-arithmetic torture test. Of course, I blew a .03 and they just laughed at me. "You weren't lying," they said. I'm still not sure if they were impressed I wasn't lying about being drunk or being a total moron.
So I think we can all empathize with poor Ray here as they set all sorts of mental bear traps for him. Seriously — start counting from 98 down to 72 and raise your foot and count...Jesus. I feel woozy just watching this. Plus, the super trooper barking orders at Maualuga saunters back to the car at one point and then lets out two healthy farts at around the 4:30 mark in the second part of the video.
Maualuga admits to having "six" drinks this evening (which probably means 10) and you'd figure by now athletes would know better to just get in a cab, lest you end up on Cincy's cruiser cam footage showing off your USC education.
Anybody else get sick yet? This shit sucks. Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. I'll be hopped on Sudafed for the rest of the night and will attempt to be lucid should something newsworthy happen. If not, I'll see you in the morning.