Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* More Olympics awesomeness: The Canadians wanted to "green up" the Winter Olympics—and not just by doing away with snow—by using eco-friendly electric ice resurfacers. They only have one tiny flaw—they suck at cleaning ice. The men's 500M speedskating heats had to be canceled after three of them failed. (The more manly, gas-powered Zambonis will be shipped in from Calgary.)
* Elsewhere, Chinese figure skaters Shen Xue and Zhao Hong came out of retirement for one last big score, a gold medal in pairs. Unfortunately, China's one marriage, one gold policy means they have to give one of the medals back.
* UConn got their act together for one night and knocked off Villanova. I forget if Jim Calhoun gets credit for this one or not.
* The Blazers, who are apparently trying to accomplish something this season, traded for the Clippers' Marcus Camby. I believe the Clippers got an actual pair of hair clippers in return.
* You know, what you have to do. If this jackanape spotted at the Texas A&M-Kansas game isn't your Facebook friend by the end of the day, then don't come back here. I become death, destroyer of worlds.