Last Night's Winner: Dance! Dance! DANCE!S

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like ballroom dance enthusiasts who suddenly found a lot of weirdos hanging around them last night. Why are all these pasty dorks cheering the Vienna Waltz?

Sorry, folks. Those are sports fans, many of whom tuned into "Dancing With The Stars" for the first time in their lives. They were pulled into its orbit because they a) like touchdown dances, b) have lingering Olympic Fever, c) they're pervs. Or all of the above. I'm sure they learned a lot about cha-chas and feet placement and how flesh-colored dress straps hold things in place.

Poor Buzz Aldrin. Why would you parade an 80-year-old man out there so some British dude could yell at him about his lack of energy? He's 80! The man is lucky to walk without a cane and TV is making him do athletic tricks for us? Don't his grandkids love him enough to put a stop to this?

Anyway, since I know nothing about how this works and slept through most of last night's debut, I asked a DWTS expert—my mom—what she thought. Her summation:

Right now, I think the pussycat doll girl is in the lead. She was the best of the night. They will probably keep Buzz Aldrin around for awhile due to the sympathy vote. I think either Kate Gosselin or Shanna Doherty will go first. Or Jake the Bachelor. He wasn't very good and a lot of the public doesn't care for him due to his choice on The Bachelor show. Right now I would say all three of the sports people will be in the top five, with the pussycat doll winning.

Also, Chad Ochocinco and Erin Andrews were decent, but they also have the best partners so that gives them an advantage as the show progresses. However, Chad needs to "quit mumbling" when he talks and EA might be "too cocky for some viewers." That was not a criticism of her that I was expecting. It's not just about the dancing, people. Keep smiling!

And Evan Lysacek can only spin one way? Ha, ha. What a dork!

Watch Dancing With The Stars: Week 1 [ABC.com]