In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Steve Lavin, who is not only young, well-groomed and gainfully employed, but also married to an attractive human female that (presumably) has sex with him.
The announcement that Lavin will take over the head coaching duties at St. John's was appropriately splashed on the back page of a local pamphlet called the New York Daily News. What was on the front page? A picture of Lavin's wife, "accomplished actress" Mary Ann Jarou. I guess St. John's basketball doesn't rate as high as the arrival in our humble burg of "Sherpa Girl" from famous tee-vee show "Entourage." (Did you know Matt Dillon's brother is on there?!)
You see, the City of New York doesn't meet a lot of pretty girls, so every time one moves here it's kind of a big deal. Also, The Bronx is sort of awkward around the ladies, so they're always trying odd thing get her attention, like putting her pictures on a tabloid or shooting spitwads at Hoboken. It's kind of embarrassing, actually, but ... you think she'll notice? (She's from Flushing, Michigan, which is just like Flushing, Queens!) Gosh, if she even acknowledges that Staten Island exists that would just make our whole year.
Anyway, it doesn't seem fair that stupidface Steve Lavin gets a girl like that and gets to coach the awesome Red Somethings, who apparently do exist. Hopefully, we can at least see her strolling across campus, which we've been assured by the mayor is within the city limits even though the majority of New Yorkers could not find it on a subway map. But for Mary Ann, we'll look real hard.