Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
This tale goes back 20 years to my first semester of college. Then, it was still legal to drink at age1 8 in our state. My newly formed crew of friends and I went to a bar on a Saturday night to meet up with some others, including a girl one of my pals, Mark, was seeing and one of her girlfriends from home who came up to visit for the weekend. Mind you, I had just had my first brew and was sober so trust me when I say that this was the most beautiful redhead I'd ever laid eyes on to that date. We hit it off immediately: laughing, drinking and flirting all night.
At closing time, we all left together to grab more beer from the store and bong out the jeep before heading back to our dorm to extend the party, ending up in Mark's room since his roommate went home for the weekend. Within just a couple of minutes of sitting down together, we were making out and in hindsight, I owe my friends a lot of credit for immediately looking at their watches and getting the fuck out of there. So we end up on one bed while Mark and his ladyfriend are in his, some mellow shit playing on the stereo.
It didn't take long until we were both naked under the giant comforter. The vision of her perfect, fair, China doll skin in the moonlight filtering in through the industrial Venetian blinds remained in the spank bank for years to come. She whispers to me and asks if I have any condoms (I don't) and I'm certainly not bugging Mark while they're doing whatever they're doing under the covers, so I tell her that I've got some back in my room which I would have obviously moved us to had my lame, pot-luck roommate not been in town for the weekend.
I quickly put on just my jeans and jetted. Our dorm had 4 floors. Mark's room was on the 1st. My room was on the 4th floor on the complete other end of the building with the slow-as-molasses service elevator on the other end, too. I could've kicked Usain Bolt's ass on the stairs that night, with a round trip time that I swear did not exceed 2 minutes. I was so fired up, I put the condom on in the hall bathroom before getting back so that I could vault right into action. Here we go! Sweet, red bush!!! I open the door, the lights are on, Mark is dressed, the women are both dressed and they're obviously leaving. There I stand: no shirt, no shoes, with a boner in jeans. She was very sweet and gave me her number and a tender kiss goodbye. Unfortunately, she was going to school in another state and I knew that I wasn't going to call her.
At 18 and on a campus with over 10,000 women, I knew I didn't want to attempt a long distance relationship. I broke up with a girlfriend over the summer right before school began for this very reason. Had we been in the digital age with cellphones and email more widely used, who knows? After they left, Mark apologized, but explained that he wasn't all that into his girl and that he told her that it was best if she left and that they should just be friends. Nice timing, fucker! They could've settled that shit before we got back or at least before kicking the lights out. He'd already apologized profusely, but my pals heaped on the guilt for weeks when they found out what happened and deservedly so. I never saw her again.
I had just returned from studying abroad in Australia and was visiting my younger brother at college. We were at a bar and there was a long line out the door of the girls bathroom. I strike up a conversation with a girl in the line. Shortly thereafter we begin making out and she even puts her hand down my pants, we were both very drunk. All of this occurs while she is still in line for the bathroom. She invites me back to her dorm room and tells me where to meet her once she gets out of the bathroom. As I go to find my brother and tell him I won't be going back to his dorm I think to myself, "Fuck! Where did she say to meet her?" I get over this initial panic and realize I can go back the bathroom and find her there. Once I drunkenly arrive there I have the worst thought ever cross my mind, "Fuck! What does she look like?" After weirdly looking at every girl exiting the bathroom for ten minutes I gave up, knowing I had blown a golden opportunity.
Oh, that's a dagger. The old "I can't remember what she looked like, but she was definitely attractive enough to hook up with!" situation.
A couple years back I was hooking up with a fuck buddy and I usually crashed at her place in the city. One night I drove all my buddies in and everyone need a ride back, so I invited my fuck buddy back to my house even though I knew I'd have to drive her back the next day. I was just too horny. On the ride back home I'm flying down the road with two people (including the girl) in the far back with no seats in my dad's small SUV.
I should've saw the warning signs when going 50 mph and skidding all over the slippery wet road. As soon as I went under the tunnel I hit a slippery patch and the left side of my car nailed the tunnel wall and did a complete 180-degree spin. My cars now facing the wall on the other side of the tunnel and were piled in my dad's SUV sitting sideways at like 3am. I never believed in that shit about how people have instincts and just react when their life's in danger, until this event. My Body literally just reacted, I grabbed the front bumper which fell off, opened the back door, threw the bumper on top of my two buddies, got back in the car and drove off in a matter of 15 seconds. I looked in my review mirror and the coast was clear.
I then got a view of everyone in the backseat's face and they all looked like they had shit themselves and seen death knocking on their front door. I said "that was close" and laughed trying to lighten the mood. No one said a word. The whole ride home the only thing said was from my buddy Dave "I think I just saw my life flash before my eyes." The next 20 minutes it took to get home everyone just contemplated Dave's words and their lives. When I got back to my place, before I could even show my fuck buddy into the door she said, "where's a couch and where's the bathroom?"
Deciding not to push my luck I fulfilled her requests and went to bed. Two hours later at like 5am I was woken up to my fuck buddy shaking me and saying she needed to go. Her eyes were wide open and her face was still white. She looked like she hadn't slept 2 minutes. Needless to say the ride home was like playing who can shut the fuck up the longest. I dropped her off and apologized as she slammed the car door and ran into her apartment. Called her a couple times the next week and left messages to no avail.
I like that Dan powered through a potentially fatal car accident because he was so desperately horny. Take a bow, sir. You failed to hook up, but your boner was in the right place.
So me and my buddies are in South Padre Texas for a week. Needless to say we went to the beach every day to get drunk and mingle. The very first day I meet these two girls and I was hitting it off pretty good with one of them. I figure that I'm gonna have a good chance of fornicating with this girl all week. So after we're done hanging out at the beach we go back to our own hotel rooms to get ready for the night.
We planned on meeting each other at the club later. We finally meet at the club and it's her and the friend from before. So while I'm dancing with the girl I hit it off with, things start to get graphic. I mean dancing but also a lot of grabbing in places and make out sessions. While this is going on I figure I got it in the bag.
For some reason I had to leave, but she ends up taking a cab back to my hotel to get our thing on. When we approach the main entrance of the Holiday Inn the freaking security guard says there are no guests allowed.
I tried everything I could to get her in, pretty much telling the security guard that he is cock blocking me right now, and he never gave in. Sooo, we head for her place, which is a 10 minute cab ride. However, she realizes that she lost her wallet, and phone, and license so she starts to freak out, and we have to stop at the club we were at.
I ended up paying for 2 cab rides and waited for her to fill out a police report at the club. We finally get back to her place, and since she doesn't have her wallet, she doesn't have a room key. So we meet up with her friends and this is where my life sucks. Supposedly this girl has a boyfriend, yup, and her friends wouldn't let her hook up with me. Since I was out of money from paying for both of our cab rides, I had to walk 3 miles back to my hotel to be greeted with the security guard asking me what happen to my chick. F you buddy its all your fault.
Who knew hotels had bouncers? I feel like Orbitz should note that if you're planning a Spring Break. "NOTE: Hotel bafflingly does not like people fucking in the rooms."
Drew (not me):
My roommate was in the shared dorm room when I stumbled in with this lady. So I had the bright idea that perhaps we should take the party outside. In my vicodin-haze, we settled under a tree and commenced intercourse. All fine and good right? Well, the painkillers numbed me to some very ferocious fire ants. I'm not allergic to anything that I know of, except maybe fire ants. A bite swells up on me.
The next day was a disaster. I was vomiting until 3 AM. I was so sick and covered in ant bites that my friends brought a local band into my dorm room to play to cheer me up. It was a tight fit (and didn't last long thanks to the cops).
I wish I could say this was the end of the story, but, thanks to my big mouth, it is not. Several years later, I was stopped in Union Square in NY by an intern at Cosmo. She was looking for an embarrassing story. I shared this with her. Big deal, no one would know it was me, even if I knew anyone that read it. Except, my vanity intervened and I let her take my photo. Big deal, she wouldn't actually use my photo. Wrong. It ran as the "Hot Guy Blooper of the Month" several years ago, with my name and age under my grinning mug. The minor ego boost was canceled out by the embarrassment that hit me when my entire office at my new job found the article. My secret santa present was an ant farm.
Which reminds me of my favorite radio ad campaign of all time. FIRE ANTS ARE NOT CUTE.