Thanks to all who shared their stories of hirsute hellaciousness with us. They truly were inspired. Inspired enough to almost make us throw up in our mouths a little. The winning tales—authors of which win a Philips Norelco Bodygroom Pro—below.

Winner 1: Frank from New Jersey

I'm writing to tell you why I am in need of the Philips Norelco Bodygroom Pro. I am in desperate need of grooming, but not necessarily in the chest area. My problem is much lower; much more personal. Try to picture a pair of bikini briefs made of hair. I've got this sort of U-shaped hair hammock going from the small of my back, through the taint and surrounding the nether region. Any bald man would kill to have this hair on his head. However, since no one is calling me for a donation of this hair, it needs to come off. When I lived at home with my parents, I was able to use my dads electric shaver (that he used on his face) without his knowledge, to a certain degree. But one or two accidental nicks of my hole, quickly stopped that process. I feel the Philips Norelco Bodygroom Pro will give me the confidence I need to get in there and get down to business for a nice, clean grooming that will allow me to be confident of my appearance, and as an added bonus, give me several dingleberry-free days. About ten years ago, someone who had gotten a full-on visual of this problem, referred to it as "The Black Forest" to one of their friends. To this day, this person can not help but think about my ass when they see Black Forest Cake on a menu, and for that matter, also can not eat it. My hair can alter people's eating habits for life. This is why the Philips Norelco Bodygroom Pro will be put to the best use, if it is put in my hands.

Winner 2: Mike W.

When I was a senior in high school, me and a group of about 20 friends (all guys) decided that, as part of our bon voyage, we would all get together on the front steps of the main doors to our soon to be alma mater and take a yearbook style picture, completely naked. Well, the day finally came, we all stood on the steps in proper formation, and with the previously designated command, removed our undies and clasped our hands in front of our junk. When the pictures were developed and subsequently passed around, I was dubbed "Jungle Bush", as my shrubbery easily escaped the containment offered by my hands. To this day, when repackaging my parts after taking a leak, I have to be extra careful, lest I rip out a tuft in haste. I used to trim them with normal clippers, but find them a bit clunky, not to mention that I have to use them on my face when I have any sort of facial hair, giving a whole new methodology to the self-imposed gorilla mask. Last, but certainly not least, my girlfriend has imposed a Cuban-style embargo on southern imports into her northern bay because of the untamed wildnerness from whence they come. If anyone needs this tool, I do.

Congrats, men! Long live dingleberry-free Black Forest Cake and embargo-lifting!

And fellas, let the ladies see your body—not your foliage. Get the Philips Norelco Bodygroom Pro today and Deforest Yourself. Reforest the World.