In light of Dan Gilbert's laudable, laughable open letter to LeBron James, we proudly present an alternate history, in which Comic Sans is the font of choice (complete with needless scare quotes).

Speech: Winston Churchill addresses Parliament.
Outcome: The Nazis win.

Speech: Lou Gehrig's farewell speech.
Outcome: Gehrig dies before he can finish the speech.

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Speech: Henry addresses his soldiers before the Battle of Agincourt in Shakespeare's Henry V.
Outcome: The French win.

Speech: Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech during the March On Washington.
Outcome: His four little children are still judged by the color of their skin.

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Speech: Bill Pullman as President Whitmore in Independence Day.
Outcome: The aliens win.

Speech: William Jennings Bryan addresses the Democratic National Convention.
Outcome: The United States retains the gold standard, for ever and always.

Speech: Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko in Wall Street.
Outcome: The takeover of Teldar fails.

Speech: Patrick Henry's address to the Virginia Convention.
Outcome: No liberty, death.

Speech: Jack Nicholson as Col. Jessep in A Few Good Men
Outcome:Lt. j.g. Kaffee handles the truth. Col. Jessep is not needed on that wall.

Speech: Kurt Russell as Herb Brooks in Miracle.
Outcome: The Russians win.

Speech: Ronald Reagan's speech at the Brandenburg Gate.
Outcome:The Russians Win.