Silent Farts Vs. Loud Farts — WHO YA GOT?!

I love to fart. I really do.

I love to feel a fart welling up, and I love strategically choosing when to release that fart and how to release it. Do I raise a leg? Do I ask my wife, "Guess what?" and then cut an absolutely ROTTEN assdrop? Marriage increases the joy of farting by at least 78%, because you now have a potential fart victim on hand at all times to shock and disgust with any fart you let loose. Kids are also great to have around for it. Because, as babies, they're oblivious to farts. But then they get older, and become more cognizant of farts. What smells? Do you smell, Daddy? Wow, how did you do that? Can I do that? You sure can, you little fucker. You sure can.

Part of the joy of farting is that farts come in so many different varieties: wet farts, quick farts, public farts, Chinese-food-smelling farts, pussy farts, sharts, and on and on and on. Types of farts have been catalogued throughout Western Internet Literature. They're as numerous as the formations in an NFL playbook. And performing all of them is a rite of passage. I've always liked doing all of them, savoring their nuances. A fart is like a snowflake. A big, brown poopy snowflake. No two are alike.

But I'm getting older, and as you get older, you become more discerning about things like food and movies and shit like that. Farting is no different. Throughout my personal history, I've been a very loud farter. I've been overweight most of my life, which means any gas dispelled out of my anus has had to pass through two flabby and compressed buttcheeks to escape out into the atmosphere. That's not a quiet escape. Your fart will make a racket when it has to go through the fatass equivalent of the Bellagio vault to see daylight.

And that's fine. Loud farts are great. They announce your presence to everyone in the room. They say I JUST DROPPED ASS AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET HIT IN THE FUCKING GRILL WITH IT. I will never tire of farting loudly and simultaneously striking any sort of amateur karate stance.

However, I've recently changed my eating habits and managed to reduce my considerable ass girthiness. I've also taken to eating lots of fiber: fruits and Metamucil and what not. Fiber, as you know, will make you fart your fucking brains out. I have also discovered that the majority of these fiber farts are silent in nature. You push them out and it's all psssssssssss. No thunderclap. No presence.

Any seasoned farter knows fart sounds can be manipulated. You can make a fart loud by sitting on a wooden bench or whatever. And that's always fun. I always figured farting loudly and boldly was more fun than passing off an SBD. But this recent run of silent farts has been MAGICAL. There's nothing quite like letting out a soundless fart and then WAITING for everyone else to smell it. You know it's gonna smell. You know what you just fucking ate. You know it's only a matter of time before the shock and revulsion hits everyone in the room. I can't even hide it all that well any more. I just start giggling like a madman about to nuke a city. Then my wife will look over.

WIFE: What's so funny?

ME: (still laughing)

WIFE: (sniffs), Oh, God dammit. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

That's a great moment in life. Don't let anyone tell you differently. That little moment of anticipation, where you know you farted and you're waiting for everyone else to discover it … that is fucking brown GOLD. True, you can also get this giddy feeling with a loud fart you haven't pushed out yet. But there's something great about having people first figure out you farted with their noses. The look of surprise and utter revulsion really can't be topped. You didn't give them a chance to leave the room or cover their noses with the tops of their shirts. You just ATTACKED. Loud farts are a friendly. Silent farts are a hostile ambush. And as I grow older and crankier, I'm liking those more. And really, farting is all I have left.

But I think this is a discussion best extended to the comments section. It's also an invitation to you to send me any Great Moments In Fart History you have for the Funbag or the Jamboroo in the fall. Silent Farts vs. Loud Farts — WHO YA GOT, commenters?

Click to view