I love to fart. I really do.
I love to feel a fart welling up, and I love strategically choosing when to release that fart and how to release it. Do I raise a leg? Do I ask my wife, "Guess what?" and then cut an absolutely ROTTEN assdrop? Marriage increases the joy of farting by at least 78%, because you now have a potential fart victim on hand at all times to shock and disgust with any fart you let loose. Kids are also great to have around for it. Because, as babies, they're oblivious to farts. But then they get older, and become more cognizant of farts. What smells? Do you smell, Daddy? Wow, how did you do that? Can I do that? You sure can, you little fucker. You sure can.
Part of the joy of farting is that farts come in so many different varieties: wet farts, quick farts, public farts, Chinese-food-smelling farts, pussy farts, sharts, and on and on and on. Types of farts have been catalogued throughout Western Internet Literature. They're as numerous as the formations in an NFL playbook. And performing all of them is a rite of passage. I've always liked doing all of them, savoring their nuances. A fart is like a snowflake. A big, brown poopy snowflake. No two are alike.
But I'm getting older, and as you get older, you become more discerning about things like food and movies and shit like that. Farting is no different. Throughout my personal history, I've been a very loud farter. I've been overweight most of my life, which means any gas dispelled out of my anus has had to pass through two flabby and compressed buttcheeks to escape out into the atmosphere. That's not a quiet escape. Your fart will make a racket when it has to go through the fatass equivalent of the Bellagio vault to see daylight.
And that's fine. Loud farts are great. They announce your presence to everyone in the room. They say I JUST DROPPED ASS AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET HIT IN THE FUCKING GRILL WITH IT. I will never tire of farting loudly and simultaneously striking any sort of amateur karate stance.
However, I've recently changed my eating habits and managed to reduce my considerable ass girthiness. I've also taken to eating lots of fiber: fruits and Metamucil and what not. Fiber, as you know, will make you fart your fucking brains out. I have also discovered that the majority of these fiber farts are silent in nature. You push them out and it's all psssssssssss. No thunderclap. No presence.