Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Hetero dudes: Ever wonder what it's like to play on a gay softball team? It's fun. And sassy. [The Good Men Project]
Yeah, we'll get to Dwyane Wade and Fanhouse in a little bit. For now, put on your Monday pants and get moving toward that place you are supposed to be at right now.