Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Despite the plurality of their offense coming from Stephen McGee to John Phillips, the Cowboys won the Hall of Fame Game, and their fans this morning cannot be convinced they aren't a lock to win a Super Bowl. (Thanks to everyone who sent in the screengrab. And there were a lot of you.)
•LeBron James took his talents to the DMV (the horrible new nickname for the Washington DC area), and played in an all-star pickup game with Dwyane Wade and President Obama. I hope they liked playing alongside a 49-year-old man, because that's what the Heat bench is going to be this year.
•The Red Sox are beaten by spot starter Dustin Mosely, and fall 7 games back of the Yankees in the east. But the wild card's not out of reach; it's entirely possible the Rays never get a hit again.
•We suck, America. For the first time since they started doing the rankings in the 70s, no Americans are in the ATP top 10. Perhaps we can naturalize Andy Murray? He's guaranteed to win Wimbledon as soon as he ditches his British citizenship.
•I bet you didn't notice, but the Baltimore Orioles are the hottest team in the majors. 5-1 since Buck Showalter took over, the O's are back in this thing. And by back in this thing, I mean: still 30 games out of the Wild Card. But it's good practice for next year!
Welcome to Music Week at Deadspin. To celebrate: music!