John Salley Story Corner: Picking Up Prostitutes In Hawaii

Every week, John Salley, onetime Bad Boy and currently the arachnoid half of the Spider and the Henchman podcast, will regale us with an amusing and occasionally salacious story from his playing days. Today: consorting with fallen women in Waikiki.

We're playing in Hawaii, and we win the Hawaii tournament. We beat Lenny Bias and the Maryland Terrapins. Couple of nights before that, we decide to hit the town. You know what happens when you're in Waikiki. They have these very pretty girls who are walking up and down the strip. Reminds you of Vegas, back in the day when prostitutes used to walk.

We pool our money together. There are five of us, and four lovely ladies who want to show us a part of Waikiki called Diamond Head, so we got the limousine. Two of us — me and a guy whose name I won't say (Bruce Dalrymple) — were the New Yorkers with some slick. Well, one other New Yorker was there but I won't say his name (Antoine Ford). I've got to leave the other two guys out because they're happily married.

We get these girls, and the first thing I say to these guys is, "Hey listen, man, make sure you take your wallet out of your pocket and keep it in your hand." So three of us stay in the car, Antoine Ford and myself and the other guy. We put the cab driver out. We put the other guy in the front. Down come our shorts. And Antoine cannot concentrate. First time being with a female. Not he'd ever been with any men that I know of, but first time I know he's been with a chick.

Antoine's on that part of the limo, and I'm on this part. And he's like, "This chick won't stop rubbing it through my pockets! Bitch, I got my wallet in my hand. You think I'm stupid?"

Next thing you know, we see my man in the front seat go, "Ohhhhh." And I think, no, it couldn't have been — I didn't even get my shorts down. And Antoine wants to beat the girl up. I say, "First thing you can't do is hit this broad."

"She's trying to rob me."

"Well, she can't, you've got your wallet in your hand."

As that happens, the cops pull up. And I'm captain of the team. Curfew is in 45 minutes. I know we've got 45 minutes to deal with these cops. The two dudes who are outside the car start walking down the hill, and they leave the broad there without any pay. And so she wants to bitch about it, until she sees the cops, and the cop says, "What are you doing in the bushes?"

She comes out of the bushes, and I have to think really fast. So I say, "All right, pull your shit up. What's your name? What's your real name? Where are you from?" I'm trying to come up with a story just as the cops start knocking on the window.

So we get out the car. And, you know, the boners are at full mast, so we're trying to adjust. The cop knows the young ladies. He asks our age. Thank god we were in college, and we were all above 18 years old.

I said, "Yeah, this is my cousin."

He goes, "This prostitute is your cousin?"

I go, "Prostitute? Is that what you're doing out here in Hawaii?"

"This is your cousin? What's her name?"

I tell him. He goes, "Is this your kissing cousin?"

I said, "Oh, no, I don't kiss her. We're just kicking it."

They gave the cab driver a ticket, and the cab driver was thinking I was going to pay the ticket. So we get away, and we've got 15 minutes to curfew. We drop these broads off somewhere near the strip, and this guy's driving like he doesn't have gas. We pick up the other two players.

The driver says, "Man, this is an expensive ticket. This ticket's like $30, because I took the taxi sign off the top of my limo."

So we get back to the hotel, and we start getting out of the car. It's $70 for the ride. And the guy goes, "Hey! You gotta pay me!"

And I say, "Call the cops," and walk away.

The above is adapted from the "Spider Stories" segment on the Spider and the Henchman podcast. Follow John and his podcast on Twitter - @thejohnsalley and @spiderandhench. Subscribe on iTunes.