Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• After being sacked twice in the Bears' first three possessions vs. Arizona, QB Jay Cutler said, "We had some protection issues last game. There might have still been some little effects from that, just trusting the guys up there." Kind of like when Reagan said the Secret Service weren't trying hard enough to protect him. [CSNChicago.com]
• Shino Tsurubuchi is back, bitches. U.S. Open officials are "confident in her abilities" as a "world-class official." Besides, Serena's out so there probably won't be any ball-down-throat threats for Tsurubuchi this year. [Associated Press]
• Unfortunate story-line wording on the N.Y. Daily News sports homepage: "L.T. shows he still has some juice." L.T. old, but L.T. strong! [NY Daily News]
• Whoever keeps trying to frame former Royal and Met Ambiorix Burgos has apparently struck again. This time, he's accused of kidnapping and forcing his ex-wife Dilenia to eat rat poison. Previous times, he was "accused in a fatal hit-and-run involving two women" and found "guilty of assaulting his girlfriend in a hotel near Shea Stadium." [cnnsi.com]
• Randy Couture dominates, forces James Toney to submit. Ball-gag not included. Presumably. [MMAFighting.com]
• The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reopened fishing in federal offshore waters from Caillou Bay (La.) west through Texas. Southeastern Louisiana anglers took that to mean their reprieve from the oil closure in other Gulf waters is not far off. [New Orleans Times-Picayune]
• Drew Rosenhaus is pissing the Dolphins off. [Miami Herald]
• USA's B-Team 106 - Croatia 78 [Yahoo Sports].
• England coach Fabio Capello "urged" David Beckham to consider coaching, but offered the "faint prospect of being recalled to the national team." (Psst, David, he's trying to tell you something without, you know, telling you something.) [AP]
• Baltimore Ravens WR Donte Stallworth broke his foot. He'll miss two months. [Baltimore Sun]
• Tampa Bay Bucs coach Raheem Morris doesn't like right defensive end Stylez White's practice effort. The problem? Morris: "We're going to tolerate him until we can replace him." Reality: It really doesn't look like they're trying to replace him. [SportingNews]
• Said Albert Pujols yesterday, "God's given me some amazing talent, but I also think that it's my responsibility to give back to the community of St. Louis as well as to the Dominican Republic." This came after he drew high heat for attending Glenn Beck's rally/whatever in D.C. before Saturday's game. On the diamond, he lost 14-5. [KansasCity.com]
• Hawaii vs. Japan. Two teams enter. One leaves with its shining Little League moment. The other, international shame. [LittleLeague.org]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files …
"I am not pressing any charges or filing suit against Mr. Morgan or the Nationals organization, nor do I harbor any animosity toward him," the fan said. "I was very surprised by the suspension. Obviously, MLB is taking it very seriously. I wish him luck with the appeal." [Philadelphia Inquirer]
Sunday. Sublime. Let's have a sublime Sunday.