Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Jim Thome passes Mark McGwire for ninth on the all-time home-run list. [AP]
• A riot broke out at the under-17s Central Australian Football League season decider yesterday. Or was it today?
Police were forced to escort players to their cars for safety as members of the crowd threw cans, rocks and bottles at them. ...
Police said a 16-year-old boundary umpire yellow-carded a Hermannsburg player, prompting adult supporters to storm the field and chase him down.
"He was knocked to the ground and was punched, but we're not sure at this stage if he was kicked as well," he said. [NTNews.com.au]
• Deutsche Bank Championship, after 2nd round, T. Woods (-5) T29. Comeback looming? [PGATour.com] And in news that matters...
Purported Tiger Woods mistress No. 1 Rachel Uchitel is making the move to New York City mere days after it was disclosed that the world's top-ranked golfer is also buying a posh pad in the Big Apple. [Fox Sports]
• Jacksonville State University football rules! [Clarion Ledger]
• Here's a link to a guy in a St. Patrick's Day hooded sweatshirt talking with a fellow reporter about the Vikings roster moves, and how cool Internet video is. Sounds about right. [Star Tribune]
• Writes Mark Kiszla of the Denver Post, "How expensive is the hubris of a young NFL coach? Well, Broncos coach Josh McDaniels just flushed more than $5 million of franchise owner Pat Bowlen's money down the toilet."
• Peter King is still carrying on about how Ben Roethlisberger kisses babies.
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• The San Diego Padres lost their 9th straight yesterday.
So the Padres, after nearly five months of winning many more than they lost, have seen their parachute fail to open during a jump from clear late August sky into what was expected to be a September pillow. There had been no hints, no clues, that a steady, stinking wind would waft through their landing area. [SignOnSanDiego]
• Speedway Motorsports Inc. owner Bruton Smith calls Homestead Miami Speedway "North Cuba." He'd rather end the NASCAR season in Vegas. Or, West Havana. [AP]
It's the Sunday before the Brian Westbrook death watch begins. Let's make it memorable.