That's Not The Ass Of Any Old Ballplayer; That's The Ass Of A Playoff-Spot-Clinching Ballplayer (NSFW-ish)S

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• The Yankees and the Rays both clinched playoff spots, so now all that's left is for them to decide who loses to the Rangers and who loses to the Twins.

• The Reds clinched the NL Central with the help of a walk-off homer by Jay Bruce. Watch it here if you'd like.

• The Cubs are finally using their powers for good by slowly smothering the Padres season as the Giants slip away.

• Trent Edwards is headed to the sweltering heat of Jacksonville, where the flopsweat will be really apparent and, if he's lucky, he'll be free to check down to MJD to his heart's content.

• Dez Bryant's refusal to carry Roy Williams's shoulder pads during training camp has been given a numerical value: $54,896. That's what happens when you take the entire team to one of the nicer steakhouses in the D. Ten bucks says Romo had the soup and tried to convince Miles Austin to split an app.

• That Carmelo-To-The-Nets trade might not be happening after all. Why can't Newark have nice things?

Here's Terry Melia of the Upper Deck blog talking dads, being a fan in a different city, and George Blanda. What that has to do with trading cards with jersey patches is beyond me.

Photo of Mysterious Yankee Locker Room Ass via The Couchwarmers.

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Good morning, fellows. It's Bagel Day and we might have a special guest in the office later, what're you doing today that's so great?