Wayne Rooney Is Not An Animal. Wayne Rooney Is A Human Being.

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• When asked if all the hooker stuff swirling about him has taken a toll, Manchester United's cheeky lil boy Wayne Rooney said, "I can't say yes and I can't say no but I just need to try to get back to doing what I do best — playing football. I'm only a human being. I hurt as well." [DailyMail.uk]

• Speaking of prostitution, Cowboys WR Miles Austin is having problems coping with Kardashian-love lost.

"Sitting on the floor of the Lakers game with her (Kim Kardashian) was better than any commercial of him that would ever run," an insider told the website. [FoxSportsSouthwest]

Yep.

Wayne Rooney Is Not An Animal. Wayne Rooney Is A Human Being.

• Here's an NL playoff-possibilities breakdown:

If the Padres win and Braves win Sunday, there will be a three-team tiebreaker — the first in Major League history. The Giants would face the Padres on Monday in San Diego for the NL West title. The loser travels to Atlanta for a game Tuesday with that winner being the Wild Card entry.

If the Padres win and Braves lose, the Padres and Giants would tie for the West title. But because the Padres own a better head-to-head record against the Giants in 2010, the Padres would win the NL West and have home-field advantage in the first round against the Reds. In this scenario, the Giants would be the Wild Card entry.

If the Giants and Braves win, the Giants win the NL West and the Braves are the Wild Card entry. The Padres would be finished for the season.

If the Padres and Braves lose, the Padres would travel to Atlanta for a one-game playoff Monday to determine the Wild Card entry. That team would then face the Phillies in the first round. [MLB.com]

UPDATE: The general consensus is that the league post from which this is excerpted is incorrect. If the Braves advance, they can't play the Phillies in LDS, as the Giants and Padres couldn't play in the first-round, either.

• Here's an AL playoff-possibilities breakdown:

... the Yankees need to beat the Red Sox today and the Royals to top the Rays in Kansas City to [win] the East and open the ALDS against the Rangers at home Wednesday. ... If the Yankees don't finish ahead of the Rays who hold the tiebreaker, they will start the ALDS against the Twins in Minnesota Wednesday. [New York Post]

• The New England Patriots' schedule is apparently more important than the children of Foxboro's ability to go door-to-door for candy. Wonder whether this will inspire any yoots to wear a Cuckold Brady costume. [Fox25]

• Lane Kiffin: Still a failure. [Los Angeles Times]

• LeBron doesn't really respond to Charles Barkley's assessment that playing the race card was "more stupid" than "stupider." [South Florida Sun-Sentinel]

• Oh look, 9/11 talk has crept into the Ryder Cup because Corey Pavin brings soldiers in for pep chatter.

In the aftermath of the terrorist atrocities of September 2001, America's golfers postponed the Ryder Cup because they felt 'unsafe' and too frightened to travel. ...
Yes, it was the American team's right not to travel. But it does make all the war talk and swanning about in Top Gun bomber jackets with their names embroidered on the back look even more preposterous.
There is no war here. The best team will win. [DailyMail.uk]

• Whatever. Here's a guide to Ryder Cup Wags. [It's Always Sunny in Detroit]

• Rafael Nadal didn't have a good day in Thailand. [Bangkok Post]

Sheer quality, indeed ...

• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … The Phillies don't know who they'll be playing in the NLDS yet. But, Roy Halladay's pitching Game One [Philadelphia Inquirer]. The Cubs' Tyler Colvin's still bouncing back from when that shattered bat collapsed his lung [Chicago Tribune]. Fightin' Blue Hens go to 5-0 on a last-second FG [BlueHens.com]. Fightin' Irish 31, Boston College 13; so, Frank Spaziani's safe, for now [Boston Globe].

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Morning. Happy you made it back. Let's see what we can learn amongst ourselves before I head down to the bar a few blocks from where Clubber propositioned Adrian to watch McNabb v. Vick I.