Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Cliff Lee continued his incredible run of deadpan badassery, and Josh Hamilton and the rest of the Rangers celebrated with chilled Canada Dry. Meanwhile, the Rays are in for a long offseason of slashing payroll and trying to snooker Tampa out of a new stadium.

• Slate's Jack Shafer dismantles maybe the dumbest genre in sportswriting, the "it's time to hang it up" story.

FreeDarko's Dream Week continues with Bomani Jones on the NBA's "forgotten 'what if,'" Jordan vs. Olajuwon. He fails to mention a not at all forgotten "what if" of that era, i.e. what if I had stuffed Hue Hollins and his happy whistle in a Garden broom closet before Game 5 of the 1994 Eastern Conference semifinals?

• Jane Leavy's new biography suggests Mickey Mantle spent the better part of his career playing on a torn ACL.

• In the wake of Sports Illustrated's tell-all, ESPN is looking into Mel Kiper's relationship with agent Gary Wichard. Kiper's response: "I wasn't being used but if I was, so be it."

Possibly staged video via Julian Q.

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Good morning, bagel day, etc.