Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• The Texas Rangers (nee Washington Senators) advance to the World Series for the first time in franchise history. Alex Rodriguez, who once signed a quarter-billion-dollar contract with the Rangers, struck out looking. Balance restored to The Force. [Star-Telegram] Fun fact: This would have been the final year of his behemoth deal. [ESPN] (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
• NBA Overlord David Stern says some franchises could get disappeared soon. Please don't let it be the Supersonics or Bullets; Iverson needs somewhere to land. Wait, what? [CBSSports.com]
• In other NBA news, the Heat may have found the final piece of a dynasty. From the Miami Herald ...
• Erin Andrews n00dz re-posted online, but taken down already. [FoxSports]
• When sharks attack off the California coast, you get classy quotes like, "When the shark hit him, he just said, 'Help me, dude!' He knew what was going on. ... You just saw a red wave and this water is blue - as blue as it could ever be - and it was just red, the whole wave." [A whole lot of media outlets]
• Maryland offensive lineman Pete DeSouza is out for the season after breaking both legs in a motor-scooter accident. [Baltimore Sun]
• Former Hoya, Celtic and Timberwolf Charles Smith gets shot. Then, police find drugs and "evidence of a gambling operation" at his home. Probably unrelated. [Washington Post]
• The Man still won't let O.J. look for the real killers [Las Vegas Review Journal].
• But The Man's all like, "Don't worry, Junior Seau, we can't prove you assaulted your ladyfriend before driving off a cliff."
Shawn Mitchell, the Chargers' chaplain, said Seau told him he believed the allegations would be resolved quickly and in his favor. He said also that he was thankful to have escaped the plunge from the cliff with only scrapes and bruises, according to Mitchell.
"He's doing remarkable," Mitchell said. "He is personally grateful as well as amazed that there are no broken bones." [SignOnSanDiego.com]
Unclear if Junior meant his bones.
• Drew Rosenhaus' firm gets named in a report about potential NCAA violations involving Tarheels football for "having provided wristbands that granted access to a pool party," and a slew of breathless coverage ensues. Like this. Because I still haven't forgiven Drew Rosenhaus for The T.O. Driveway Sit-Ups Show, or for what he hasn't done yet — but will do — with Desean Jackson. Send him to jail. [News & Observer]
• Programming alert: Gareth Bale's Spurs are currently facing Tim Howard's Everton on ESPN2 or ESPN3. Tied at one, early second half.
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … On Thursday, CBSSports' Scott Miller wrote a column headlined, "Phillies' aura of invincibility fading fast." On Friday, it was "Phils' core quintet remains cool as ever under playoff pressure." On Saturday, it should've been, "Lynndie England Came, Saw And Conquered CBSSports' Scott Miller." But it wasn't. Because there is no God.
Also, here's some video of Jozy Altidore eating a cheesesteak at an English-only "meat" purveyor in South Philadelphia ...
Good morning, Deadspin readers, Ginni Thomas would love some full explanation of why you did what you did with her husband. So would I.