Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* The large amounts of sugar will keep him up just fine, thank you. [MSF]
* Dallas reporter Newy Scruggs can't contain his excitement at all the premium kush in McCovey Cove. [Gawker]
* Barry Bonds and his still plus-size head would like to be your hitting coach: "I have a gift and sooner or later I have to give it away.I have to share it. Hopefully I'll get the opportunity here." His gift? Deca Durabolin. [ESPN]
* Other things to do in San Francisco: hump the shit out of imaginary partners. [SFGate]
* Other things to do in Takoma Park, Maryland: Ejaculate on random women reading in the library. [MyFox5]
Good morning. It's Thursday. Let's pretend it's Saturday.