Pat Burrell Hook-Up Stories Are Plentiful, Apocryphal, And (Literally) Full Of Shit

Welcome back to Deleted Scenes. If you're new, read this to figure out what we do here. If not, well, let's get down to business.

[Sic'd]

Well, R U?

i woke up on a stranger's backyard couch after finding myself (at 8 AM) screwing a rando in a giants tall tee who sort of looked like andres torres. can't even describe the massive collective hangover in SF right now. i'm a native and lifelong giants superfan slash shameless playerfucker. this is my shirt, which is related to an urban legend surrounding THE MACHINE. i'm on a spaceship right now. heart cha deadspin bye.

Annie

Pat Burrell Fucked A Girl Then Shit On Her Floor

AJ,

I have a bundle of Pat the Bat stories for you. It's all secondhand Deleted Scenes type shit, but at the very least you should get some amusement out of them.

While down at West Chester University my buddy overheard a couple of girls talking about how the one recently hooked up with Pat Burrell. Afterwards he said this, "You got a camera? Take a picture, you just fucked Pat Burrell."

A friend of a friend's cousin apparently went out on a date with the legend on which they got absolutely shitfaced. They went back to her place and passed out. The poor girl woke up the next morning and Pat was gone, but he left something there... a steaming pile of shit.

This one is a first hand telling of the story so I believe it to be totally true. Pat was out with Chase Utley around the time when Chase first got called up. The two were sitting at a bar in Philly, Chase having some sort of mixed drink and Pat drinking a beer out of a Big Gulp cup. He was just leaning over the bar and pouring beers for himself. They leave and go elsewhere. My friend leaves with his buddy and goes to the next bar where Pat and Chase are also at. Two girls were pestering the ball players so Pat threw his drink into one girls face and Chase's into the others. The girls were thrown out and our hero's were brought a fresh couple of drinks.

-Paul

Pat Burrell Said "He Wanted To Drink Her"

So you hear these stories and often say to yourself, "is that shit really true?"
Well as far as I can gather this one is lock tight truth. My little sister and her two very good friends that I have known since childhood went out the other night after an amazing world series win by my hometown giants. They all got dressed up and went out to the marina not knowing they would run into A. Huff and "PAT THE BAT BURRELL"
One of my sisters friends who happens to be the slutty (sleep with whoever has the biggest name in room) girl, caught the attention of Pat's BAT. He told her he wanted to "drink her" and not any beverage the bar was serving. With this slick pick up line (pathetic) (guess if you are a ball player anything works.) He ends up going back to a hotel with her. They start making out and then Pat hits the all time hilarious but you have to give it to him line. He gets up out of bed stands at the foot of the bed and looks at her. She at this point is very confused but what happened next is a story teller for times like this. He stood up in the buff and started a baseball swing and as he was swinging he said. " you get to now fuck, PAT THE BAT!" and with that he lives forever in my eyes. Even though it also revokes a fucking gag me response.
I just thought this was a funny story you guys had to hear.
And not just some bullshit boys...
this one is real
thanks for all your awesome columns to get me through my work days.
hope to hear back
JJ

Pat Burrell: Man Or Machine, Redux?

AJ,
In a follow-up to the articles unmasking the Machine, the story about Burrell dressing in the gimp costume at parties does not surprise me. It seems that Burrell has a penchant for disrobing at social gatherings that he hosts.

I live in Berks County, PA, home of the Phillies AA affiliate, the Reading Phillies. Burrell played here in 1999 and I knew a kid who was one of the bullpen catchers that season. Being that he was a college baseball player around the same age as most of the R-Phils, he befriended them and would get invited out after games to party, etc. He told the story of Pat the Bat and the parties he hosted at his Berks condo. At some point during the evening's festivities, Burrell would wind up walking around stark naked and walk up to the hotties at the party offering them drinks, re-fills, etc. As soon as I heard the Machine/gimp costume, I knew it had to be Burrell. I have no photos to support it, but it's just some circumstantial evidence to bolster your case.
Keep up the great work....Deadspin rules.
Matt

No Hom

Barry,

Why on earth would I not want this woman? Are you a homsexual or something because I don't understand the comment? Pleas explain why I wouldn't want a $10 Ho' to ride my crotch like that? The only thing that is wrong here is the price of the beer.

V

Your Legal Team For All Your Dogs-Blowing-Rugby Players Needs

Hi Barry:

I love the website. It's just the right mix of sports, entertainment, current events and bestiality.

Just parsed through your iconversation about running the dog pics. I recently passed the bar exam and should be sworn-in as an attorney shortly. You can run the pics no problem. If you ever have legal questions in the future shoot me an email. I'd love to be chief legal counsel for deadspin. You guys are going to be the facebook of sports and you should start thinking in terms of legal liabilities for stories you run, ads you post, contracts, (possible) corporate structure, pending internet regulations, etc .... (If you've thought through this already feel free to tell me to fuck myself).

Keep posting this stuff man. It's the only thing that gets me through the day when some dipshit attorney comes in to my office to blame me for something they fucked up before I joined the firm. (Happens in the neighborhood of thrice a week).

A Freaking Clue Is Gotten

Nathan to Craggs:

I stumbled upon your "Lunatic America" diatribe. Do you get paid to write such crap? Get a freaking clue and an education to go along with it. Let me guess, you're about 25 years old. No matter the age, what you wrote doesn't make you appear to be very smart.

Craggs to Nathan:

You didn't click on the links, did you?

Nathan to Craggs:

Didn't notice them. My apologies.

Craggs to Nathan:

Not a problem, Nathan.

This Is How You Tell Us We're "SLUMBAGS"

Pat Burrell Hook-Up Stories Are Plentiful, Apocryphal, And (Literally) Full Of Shit

Pat Burrell Hook-Up Stories Are Plentiful, Apocryphal, And (Literally) Full Of Shit

Pat Burrell Hook-Up Stories Are Plentiful, Apocryphal, And (Literally) Full Of Shit