Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• The Kontinental Hockey League wants to drum up female interest, so it's encouraging zhenshchiny(s) to submit pictures that might land them in the pages of Russia's version of Playboy. "One of the conditions for the sweepstakes is that 'girls whose photos are submitted for the participation in the sweepstakes should be morally and emotionally ready to have images of them appear' on the websites and in the magazine." [YahooSports/Facebook]
• Oh, so now it's illegal for a Cubs fan to kick his White Sox fan brother-in-law in the face, blinding him, when "when friendly banter ... abruptly turned violent" at a children's birthday party? [Chicago Sun Times] (H/T Tomuban)
• On Tuesday, NHL general managers will grapple with how best to address head shots from "predatory hits." If James Harrison knows what hockey is, expect him to whine like a bitch about retiring again, but then quickly return to protecting pit bulls that attack his children. [Edmonton Journal]
• At AC Milan practice yesterday, beanpole Swede Zlatan Ibrahimov tackled saucy American defender Oguchi Onyweu. So, Gooch grabbed him by the throat, scuffled and the two had to be broken up by teammates. Said Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani, "It was a fairly lively fight." [Goal.com]
• So, the Mets' clubhouse manager got caught on wiretap betting on baseball. Big deal. Any sentient being would bet against the Mets. Because they totally suck — like really, really suck — get it, get it? [NY Daily News]
• Silsbee, Texas: Where cheerleaders get berated by school officials for refusing to cheer for alleged gang-rapists.
After the halftime buzzer, H.S. was scolded "in front of God and everybody," says her father. H.S. had not "abided by the Cheerleader Constitution," according to Hunt. The code requires cheerleaders to shout equally for all. Rather than cheer for Bolton, she chose to go home. [SI]
• Two Patriots/patriots got fined for taking shots at Brett Favre. [Boston Herald]
• Noted randy/cheeky prostitution aficionado Wayne Rooney is coming to America to get back into tip-top playing shape. "We've experienced the fantastic facilities at Nike in the past and are happy for him to be there," said Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson. [TribalFootball.com]
• Turns out you can put a price on dreams come true. In the case of a Miracle on Ice medal, it's $310,700. [YahooSports]
• Did you see this video of an audition for Glee's "Master Boston" episode yet? If so, I apologize in advance. If not, I apologize in advance. Noise!
• Senoritas 2, American Girls 1. [ESPN]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … The Phillies don't even need to reach the World Series to raise ticket prices [philly.com]. There are questions in Denver about Broncos owner Pat Bowlen's mental capacity [Westword]
Happy Daylight Savings Eve. Let's do this.