Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Surfer Kelly Slater clinched enough points for the 10th world title of his career at the Rip Curl Pro Search in — well, off — Puerto Rico yesterday. He's really damn good at what he does.
Slater became the youngest world champion when he was crowned in 1992 and then recorded five consecutive world titles from 1994-1998. After a four year sabbatical Slater returned to win again in 2005, 2006, 2008 and now with his tenth in 2010.
"It's been a week of extremes for me. If it wasn't for Andy (Irons) there is no way I'd be here in this position right now. I don't really know what else to say, I'm a little overwhelmed right now. I want to dedicate this to Andy and to my family." [OC Register]
• Trying to keep pace with the NFL in the Dictatorial Overlord Stakes, the NBA fined Stephen Jackson $50K for anti-ref comments they apparently lip-read from afar.
"I walked off the court, upset about the outcome of the game [the Bobcats lost, 97-90]. I guess they had a camera following me all the way to the tunnel, where I wasn't even in sight of the referees, and read my lips. I guess I can't talk to myself. I got fined for talking to myself." [Charlotte Observer]
• TCU is really, really good, yo. [The Cypress Times]
• Congratulations on your 400th win, Joe Paterno. [Beaver County Times]
• Edgar Rentería, el Jugador Más Valioso de la última Serie Mundial, ha decidido contra el retiro y por mantenerse al menos un año más en Grandes Ligas. [ESPN translation]
• Forget about the miner. Here's a story about a stripper (stage-name: Vegas) running the N.Y. marathon.
"I'm proud of my hard work, and I'm not afraid to show it off," Michele Suszek says. "Just because I am a professional runner does not mean I cannot be a professional dancer, as well." [New York Daily News]
No, Vegas, it most certainly doesn't.
• The WSOP Main Event is down to its final two. Winner take most-of-all Monday (and televised Tuesday). [WSOP]
• Did LeBron James cost a radio station its contract to broadcast Heat games? Nope. But it's still fun to blame the guy for everything. [Miami Herald]
• Roger Federer used Andy Roddick up again in Switzerland yesterday. [Los Angeles Times]
• A soccer fan got arrested for being drunk at a Bristol Rovers match. He beat the rap with a doctor's note. A doctor's note that says he had a stroke. [ThisIsBristol] (H/T Tomuban)
• A "classic Bundesliga showdown between rivals Schalke 04 and defending champions Bayern Munich" will be televised with an operatic-soundtrack option. [Kickoff.com]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … The Temple Owls get A-10 respect [Sports Illustrated]. The mighty Philadelphia Flyers win their sixth straight [Philly.com]. Villanova football loses [Delaware County Daily Times], while Delaware wins 48-0 [Delaware Online].
Guten Sunday morgen, Deadspin nation. Remember to tip your bartenders.