Greetings. It's the ghost of David Carradine. The Ninjas would like a word with you people. No admonishments, just accolades. So please listen carefully and keep your wits about you. Remember: pet the cobra once, but do not kiss it.
The last week of December is a frozen wasteland. Everyone is perpetually stuffed, hungover, and coasting through the workday, letting the scrub brain cells get some playing time while the starters watch with detached bemusement. The only people working hard are cops, mall kiosk dudes and of course, your comment ninjas. This is the time of year when we pretend that our icy, disapproving hearts thaw the tiniest bit, and we pay lip service to appreciating simple joys of life, things other than snapping necks and banishing crap to #hineyholeisland.
One thing we appreciate is commenters who get it. The make up of the comment section is always churning - we have veterans like Clue Heywood, who received one of the first +1s in Deadspin history making jokes alongside a relative newcomer like Eddie Murray Sparkles. Despite their superficial differences, these guys share getting it. What is getting it, you ask? I've only been here a month you say? But I have a star on Gawker.TV you say? I don't want to write to firstname.lastname@example.org to see why I was sent to #itsnotworking?
Allow us to point to the past to inform your future. These admonitions have all been said by prior combudsmen. Their words ring as true now as they did when they were first written.
1 -First, be funny. Second, do not not be funny. Third, don't be a fucking idiot.
2 - Folks, Deadspin is not a chat room. Deadspin is not a message board. Deadspin is not a fan site.
Of the comment pending on your screen, when it's seen by the masses, what will be said of it?
3 - Was it funny? Was it poignant? Was it grammatically cromulent?
4 - If no one recognizes your pop culture reference, don't get upset. (and don't explain it, or beat us over the head with your brilliance in recognizing by using a goddamn slashie)
5- You can be banned if your comments are excessively self-promotional, obnoxious, or even worse, boring. (This includes being needy and annoying and more interested in discussing the procedure and administration of the comments, than actually making funny, original, creative comments that add value to the page.)
Now on to the fun stuff. There was no shortage of smart, creative and funny material in the comment section this year; commenters of all stripes found interesting, smart things to say. There were novel and cutting ways to make sport of public figures, beautiful one liners, filthy analogies and new twists on old gags.
In a departure from prior years' awards, and in recognition that reasonable minds can and do differ on what is funny, we give you this list, in no particular order, of three commenters who, this year, have stood head and shoulders above the rest, and a sample of their work.
Finally, here are 3 comments, in no particular order, which by virtue of their awesomeness, stuck in our heads until this point. If you'd like to call them the comments of the year, you have our blessing.
1 - Hatey McLife
Thank you, Ninjas. Now scatter like the fog. Before they see you.